OK you guys! I think I am getting the hang of this "living my best life" thing. I have spent many of my 51 years on Earth living in fear. Our parents taught us to have a "healthy fear" of suspected dangers. Look both ways before you cross the street. Don't touch the stove because it's hot. Hold onto the handrail going down the steps when you are wearing your socks and DON'T RUN! So, basically before I had developed my language skills, I had developed fears in my life. Then, limitations were placed on me and I allowed them to anchor and take a firm hold. Limiting thoughts such as," I can't run faster than the boys.", "Nobody wants to hear what I have to say.", "I'm not good at math." and "I need a boyfriend." became part of my vocabulary and part of who I was sure I was.
For me, it took a long time and a loving God for me to begin to embrace who I really am and what the truth about me really is. All of the statements above that were perceived by me to be true are false. Yes, I don't NEED a boyfriend but I would LIKE to have one at some point. :-) There is a good life for me and I am beginning to live it. I create my reality with my thoughts, words and actions. Just because something may have been true yesterday, does not make it true today (unless it is the word of God). I am committed to learning and growing and I have been, actively for the last 12 years. And as I apply the things that I have learned, it is becoming more evident that I am more willing to take what I would have considered as risks. I am more willing to ask bold questions that challenge rather than questions that produce safe, easy answers. I ask for access and knowledge that leads to access into places that are new for me. What's the worst anyone can say? NO. I think I have heard NO enough to be able to handle it one more time without crumbling into a blubbering pile of worthlessness.
So when you see me, I may look different and you might think it's my hair or my glasses. But it's what's under that hair and what's behind those glasses that has changed. Romans 12 verse 2 of the Holy Bible will give you a little more insight. Fear is not driving my actions or my decision-making. Love is the motivation behind my actions. Love for myself and love for those I come in contact with. And frankly, love for myself may take me out of some social circles. So, don't hate if we don't see each other as much as we used to. It's all good. I may just have to love you from a distance. But I still have love for you.
All of the small actions I take are beginning to take shape into a bigger and better life. There is a true transformation at hand. And the evidence is on the way. In three years, I am going to look back to 2018 and say, "WOW! Look at how far I have come!".
Showing posts with label Determination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Determination. Show all posts
It's Been 6 Months
Tuesday of this week marked 6 months since Mommy has been
gone from this physical plane. I am
still cleaning out her room, her closet and dresser. Still disbursing her items to those in need
and those who can be blessed, even now, by her generosity. I am still living with her personal items
around me everyday. At the same time, I
am working on turning my house back into my
house. I re-arranged my bedroom to the
way it was before I had to listen out nightly in case she needed
something. I got a new bed for myself
and moved my old bed into her room to make it a guest room.
In order to make room for my bed to go in, I moved my shoe
racks and my laundry hampers across the hall to the third bedroom. Once my bed was in place, I looked across the
hall to that room with my shoes so nicely lined up and thought to myself, “I
could make this whole room my closet if I wanted to!” Needless to say, I have yet to bring my shoes
back across the hall. I think the closet
idea is in the works!
I have seen a lot of co-workers face-to-face recently who
have called me “world traveler” because they see that I post from all sorts of
locations monthly. I have planned a trip
for myself for 7 of the 12 months of this year.
But really, that’s who I am. I
love to travel and I tried to do as much of it as I could when I was a primary
caregiver. Like I have said before, when
Mommy got her wings, I got mine too. And
we are both learning how to fly again.
I am making a lot of changes. But they are changes that bring the real “me”
back. And honor my respect for myself,
my body and this life that I have been given.
But I am only making changes as fast or slowly as I want to. I refuse to be stagnant or to live in the
past too much. Because that does me no
good and does not honor my Mom and the person that she helped mold me to
be. I am a lively, vibrant mover and
shaker. And I am always going to show
it. I also don’t feel any pressure to
finish moving all of her belonging and be completely finished at any specific
measure of time. I will get to it when I
get to it. When I feel up to it and I
can appreciate the work I am doing. Not dread it or be bummed out by it. It’s like creating little projects for myself
instead of one big ball of stuff that needs to be unraveled. So, I will just do the medicine drawers one
day. And just do the dresser top another
day. And just go through jewelry at a
different time. I will get done
eventually.
All in all, I am feeling pretty good about my progress and
moving along at my own pace. I still
feel honored that I got to play a role in my Mom’s life over her last decade
that was different from any other aspect of our relationship before her stroke. I know she is at peace and I am enjoying peace too.
Won't He do it!?
I just have to take a moment and explain what I have experienced spiritually over the past week. I have been a bit stressed (as you can imagine) with the race against time that it seems that my Mom is involved in. The catch 22 between aggressively working to clear the fluid from her lungs to help her breathe on her own and the toll that it could take on heart if they were too aggressive and getting her safely off the ventilator before permanent damage occurs.. So I have had a specific order in mind of how things wold need to go. Cardiology had an idea too of what they needed to see before they would consider her for the heart procedure that she needed. The doc told us weeks ago that unless he saw more activity and awareness from her and clearing up of her infection, she would not be a candidate for the procedure. He continued, talking right over her, to explain all of the complications with the procedure that could lead to another stroke if there were calcifications, death if the aortic valve was ripped in the process, possible need for blood transfusion, and so on and so on. This same doc only came back 2 more times with doom and gloom and the expectation that Mommy was supposed to snap to when he was around. He spoke very loudly when he addressed her (like that would get her to respond to him). And on his last visit, he just asked us "how is she today?" Right over her again like she wasn't even there. So I asked her, "how are you today, Mommy?" And she answered me and he heard the answer. Needless to say, we did not like him much. So from that point on, another member of his team had been assigned to monitor my Mom. That was about 2 weeks ago. The other members of the team were nicer, less self-centered and more patient-centered.
So, I had been praying for Mommy's lungs to be clear of fluid. And for her to be restored. And for it to be quick. And for me to be patient so that God could be God and handle Mommy's case but for God to hurry up. And for God to kick the devil in his butt and get him out of here. And then, I felt like I should do what I am here for and turn everything thing else over to God. Just concentrate on what I am here for. To be the voice of the voiceless person in the hospital bed that I love dearly. To make sure that her wishes are known and acted upon. And to encourage people and to come from a place of joy and love in all of my interactions in this place. That is all.
Yesterday I got a phone call from inside the hospital while I was in the cardiac waiting room (also in the hospital). It was the doc who had been so negative about Mommy being able to have a heart procedure. He explained to me that she was scheduled for the procedure the very next day. Today! He then went over, one more time, all of the things that could go wrong. But said if we understood, he was ready to do it. And I thought to myself:
1. This is really sudden.
2. This is the guy that said she didn't qualify and was really unpleasant about it.
3. Wow! There's no way that we could have orchestrated this twist.
4. Look what happens when you do what you can and God does what only He can!
The procedure went well today and the doc came out encouraged. No blockages. He increased the opening through which blood passes about 40% and says that it should last about six months. Long enough for her to continue to recover and be a candidate for the more permanent procedure. And he said with a smile, "I am encouraged." All I can think is that God will use who he wants to use for your good. He will change the hearts and minds of who He wants to change to make things happen for those who are faithful. Won't He do it!? I am so grateful that He will and He does!!
So, I had been praying for Mommy's lungs to be clear of fluid. And for her to be restored. And for it to be quick. And for me to be patient so that God could be God and handle Mommy's case but for God to hurry up. And for God to kick the devil in his butt and get him out of here. And then, I felt like I should do what I am here for and turn everything thing else over to God. Just concentrate on what I am here for. To be the voice of the voiceless person in the hospital bed that I love dearly. To make sure that her wishes are known and acted upon. And to encourage people and to come from a place of joy and love in all of my interactions in this place. That is all.
Yesterday I got a phone call from inside the hospital while I was in the cardiac waiting room (also in the hospital). It was the doc who had been so negative about Mommy being able to have a heart procedure. He explained to me that she was scheduled for the procedure the very next day. Today! He then went over, one more time, all of the things that could go wrong. But said if we understood, he was ready to do it. And I thought to myself:
1. This is really sudden.
2. This is the guy that said she didn't qualify and was really unpleasant about it.
3. Wow! There's no way that we could have orchestrated this twist.
4. Look what happens when you do what you can and God does what only He can!
The procedure went well today and the doc came out encouraged. No blockages. He increased the opening through which blood passes about 40% and says that it should last about six months. Long enough for her to continue to recover and be a candidate for the more permanent procedure. And he said with a smile, "I am encouraged." All I can think is that God will use who he wants to use for your good. He will change the hearts and minds of who He wants to change to make things happen for those who are faithful. Won't He do it!? I am so grateful that He will and He does!!
Things I see and feel today
It is a very interesting time right now. Mommy is in CCU. Cardiac Care unit. Critical Care unit is how it feels. Life and death decisions are being made here everyday. In some ways, I don't think we need to be here. She still has a lot of capacity. She spends time alert and engaged. She is not on any pain medication. She responds to let you know how she feels. But in other ways, she really needs to be here because of the difficulties she is having with respiration and her heart. She tires quickly and often. They are still pulling fluid out of her that has accumulated in her lungs making them weak. Her heart is not working to its optimal potential. It really is a waiting game and a race against time. It feels like active limbo. And in rooms all around her, other families are saying goodbye and some families are moving to step down rooms in other areas of the hospital. Critical is real life all around us.
I am just hoping that I am not missing my lessons from all of this. And I am praying that rest = healing for my Mom. I do not feel like I am doing nothing. I know why I am here. Every day or every two days, there is a new staff working on this floor with her. So, I am here to be her voice while she does not have one. Each new person has an opinion of my Mom from notes left on her chart and from conversations from the shift before. But they don't really get to know who she is until I have a conversation with them. Then things shift ever so slightly for the better. I sit during the day and I call at night. I know she would do the same thing for me.
And I am a believer in the power of prayer and the miracles of God. So, unlike the professionals that I talk to each day, I really believe that she can come through this and be restored. I know that she believes as well. Sometimes it's hard to stand firm. But I am doing it. I do get frustrated with some who don't share my point of view. But I have always been a "glass half full" kind of girl. I think I always will be. Because nothing and no one can take my joy. I am always going to see the bright side. Always! And I also know that we get to start fresh each and every day. So, here's to the hope that tomorrow brings!
I am just hoping that I am not missing my lessons from all of this. And I am praying that rest = healing for my Mom. I do not feel like I am doing nothing. I know why I am here. Every day or every two days, there is a new staff working on this floor with her. So, I am here to be her voice while she does not have one. Each new person has an opinion of my Mom from notes left on her chart and from conversations from the shift before. But they don't really get to know who she is until I have a conversation with them. Then things shift ever so slightly for the better. I sit during the day and I call at night. I know she would do the same thing for me.
And I am a believer in the power of prayer and the miracles of God. So, unlike the professionals that I talk to each day, I really believe that she can come through this and be restored. I know that she believes as well. Sometimes it's hard to stand firm. But I am doing it. I do get frustrated with some who don't share my point of view. But I have always been a "glass half full" kind of girl. I think I always will be. Because nothing and no one can take my joy. I am always going to see the bright side. Always! And I also know that we get to start fresh each and every day. So, here's to the hope that tomorrow brings!
Exactly What It Takes
It's getting very close to the time that I leave for vacation. I want to be able to take a mental and physical vacation away from home with no caregiving responsibilities. There are a lot of things that I am going to do in order to be able to spend a care-free time on vacation and be completely present and in the moment.
I made arrangements 6 months ago with family members to come and stay with my Mom while I go away. And this week, I confirmed that we are still on track with the plans. Since I will be gone for 12 days, I needed two relatives to come for part-time each. I will leave tips and hints, directions on where the chocolate stash is kept and a regular daily schedule document for them to refer to. I will also leave the addresses for Mom's therapy location and our church so that they can take her while I am away.
I am going to load 2 med cases to cover two weeks of time. In addition to family members, I have also done as much as I can (barring no emergencies) to make sure that all of the regular CNA's are in place to work on the days when I am gone.
I am doing a menu plan for the whole 12 days and cooking and freezing dinners for 5 - 7 nights.
I am leaving a stash of cash for emergency pizza or Chinese food.
I have stocked up on all supplies for personal care and made sure that all medications are in the supply needed.
And I have to pay the bills for the month before I go. If I don't everything for the month will have a late fee attached to it. And we can't have that!!
More than all of this, it has been most important to keep my Mom abreast of the happenings and to remind her of when I will be gone and who is coming to stay with her. And the second most important thing is convincing myself that everything will be fine. I have done enough. I have nothing to worry about. The people at the house have got the helm. I will be off duty with no worries.
It seems like a lot to be able to walk out of the house and have no worries. But I really want that feeling of having no worries and I will go to great lengths in order to make that feeling happen because I need it and because I deserve it. And it has been more than 10 years since I have had this opportunity. There is no such thing as just taking off on a whim anymore. Those days are long gone for a good, long while. This trip is the closest I have come since 2005. And this one sure wasn't just a whim. It has taken, motivation, belief, planning, strategy and lots of help from many different people. And it is about to become reality. I am so so ready!!!
So, I have a lot left to do. But I am highly motivated to get stuff done and take the break that I deserve. I will take lots of pictures to share with everyone. Ciao for now!
I made arrangements 6 months ago with family members to come and stay with my Mom while I go away. And this week, I confirmed that we are still on track with the plans. Since I will be gone for 12 days, I needed two relatives to come for part-time each. I will leave tips and hints, directions on where the chocolate stash is kept and a regular daily schedule document for them to refer to. I will also leave the addresses for Mom's therapy location and our church so that they can take her while I am away.
I am going to load 2 med cases to cover two weeks of time. In addition to family members, I have also done as much as I can (barring no emergencies) to make sure that all of the regular CNA's are in place to work on the days when I am gone.
I am doing a menu plan for the whole 12 days and cooking and freezing dinners for 5 - 7 nights.
I am leaving a stash of cash for emergency pizza or Chinese food.
I have stocked up on all supplies for personal care and made sure that all medications are in the supply needed.
And I have to pay the bills for the month before I go. If I don't everything for the month will have a late fee attached to it. And we can't have that!!
More than all of this, it has been most important to keep my Mom abreast of the happenings and to remind her of when I will be gone and who is coming to stay with her. And the second most important thing is convincing myself that everything will be fine. I have done enough. I have nothing to worry about. The people at the house have got the helm. I will be off duty with no worries.
It seems like a lot to be able to walk out of the house and have no worries. But I really want that feeling of having no worries and I will go to great lengths in order to make that feeling happen because I need it and because I deserve it. And it has been more than 10 years since I have had this opportunity. There is no such thing as just taking off on a whim anymore. Those days are long gone for a good, long while. This trip is the closest I have come since 2005. And this one sure wasn't just a whim. It has taken, motivation, belief, planning, strategy and lots of help from many different people. And it is about to become reality. I am so so ready!!!
So, I have a lot left to do. But I am highly motivated to get stuff done and take the break that I deserve. I will take lots of pictures to share with everyone. Ciao for now!
Two Years! Can you believe it!?
Over the years of taking care of my Mom, I learned an awful lot as I navigated through getting the right paperwork to get things done on her behalf, relocating her from MD to FL, selling her house, investing her money, learning how to get answers from medical professionals, making friends with the pharmacist, trusting home health agencies and workers, helping to create a social circle for her, helping to keep her motivated and engaged, working through emotions and frustrations that I had in expecting things from family members and friends. I never thought that all of these changes would come upon a person and there would be no one resource to help guide you through these things. I was lucky enough to have others who had been through similar situations share their experiences and key learnings with me to make my road a bit easier. And from the very beginning, I felt that no one should have to do this alone; without a sounding board or someone to give them direction in getting started; someone to help sift through the many thoughts that arise of doubt and confusion about whether you can even handle being a caregiver.
As I found my voice in speaking up on behalf of my Mom, I also raised my voice to speak to others beginning their journey as family caregivers. Instead of being a silent, solitary mass of individuals, I think we should be a visible, vocal community that supports one another and shares our good, bad and ugly in order to be better for those that we care for. And that’s how Caring for Family Caregivers was brought into being. I hope that I am living up to this purpose and serving the community well.
As I start a new year with this company, I will continue to bring more efficiencies, education, information and support to family caregivers. For those of you who have been on this journey with me, thank you for your belief in me and for your support of Caring for Family Caregivers activities. Thank you for spreading the word that Caring for Family Caregivers exists and thank you for allowing me to serve you since 2015. I am looking forward to bigger and better things in the future.
As I found my voice in speaking up on behalf of my Mom, I also raised my voice to speak to others beginning their journey as family caregivers. Instead of being a silent, solitary mass of individuals, I think we should be a visible, vocal community that supports one another and shares our good, bad and ugly in order to be better for those that we care for. And that’s how Caring for Family Caregivers was brought into being. I hope that I am living up to this purpose and serving the community well.
As I start a new year with this company, I will continue to bring more efficiencies, education, information and support to family caregivers. For those of you who have been on this journey with me, thank you for your belief in me and for your support of Caring for Family Caregivers activities. Thank you for spreading the word that Caring for Family Caregivers exists and thank you for allowing me to serve you since 2015. I am looking forward to bigger and better things in the future.
Starting to See Results
I think I am starting to feel a connection to working out
regularly and being aware of what I should eat.
Notice, I didn’t say that I feel the connection to eating the right
foods in the right portion sizes.
Because I am not all together there yet.
But I do understand that if I get it together, I could experience some
greater success. I am beginning to see the
physical results of working out regularly.
It turns out that regularly for me has turned out to be 3 – 4 days a
week for weights and cardio. Daily, I am
more cognizant that I feel better when I maintain the schedule that includes a
workout with a trainer at the start of the week and a workout every other
day on my own. And now I am finding that I have to
wear a belt with my pants again. I am
not seeing a lot of pounds dropping when I stand on the scale. But I am noticing monthly that I have a lower
BMI (less body fat). And I have fewer
jiggly spots. I think I like seeing the
physical changes and it makes it more motivating for me to keep going.
Real Change Takes Real Effort
I am coming to the end of the time that I have been working with the nutritionist. I have all the tools I need to be successful in eating in a healthy, complete, nutritious, portion-controlled way. So, it really is all up to me to do it. I have not been as diligent as I can be with it. But now that I am about to be released to continue on this journey alone, I need to put my practice into action instead of it just being theory. I have also added exercise into the mix. And I have had the same kind of feelings. I think I want success to just happen. I was not really willing to put in the kind of effort that would be considered EFFORT. I think, for both of these components, I was just kind of going through the motions. But I recognize that I need to step up my game and stop hiding with all the other people in the world who are ordinary and just walking through it. I need to face the facts that: I am determined. I can succeed in amazing ways. I am not ashamed to be successful. And I am not ashamed to be outstanding!! For a week I have been wrestling with breaking out of the mold and really shining or just mixing in and being average and less than my fully realized self. It's really not about being perfect. It's about giving it all that I have for me - by me and not selling myself short or dumbing down for others to be comfortable. I am making small gains now. But big things are just around the corner. I am coming to claim what's mine!!
Adding to the mix
So I am at the 9 week mark of working with a dietician and I am beginning to grasp a new mindset. I am starting to think in terms of food groups and portion sizes. I still have to measure things in order to be absolutely sure that I am having the right amount. The areas where I do the poorest at this are with creamer in coffee, full fat dressing on salads and popcorn. The areas where I do the best with measuring is with ounces of lean protein and with how much of each grain I should be eating. And I must say that I am incredibly awesome with measuring my veggies (that is when I eat them). Sometimes my weekends do not include veggies. I will get better at that. I just know I will.
I am embarking on week 2 of going to the gym!! I marched in there last week and plopped down some money for a membership and for 4 personal training sessions. I think starting with the trainer was the BEST thing I have done for myself since increasing how much water I drink each day. I realized that I could probably have lost another year by thinking that I was ready to go back to the gym and I would just know what to do when I got in there. I think what stopped me from committing to exercise was just that; I did not know where to start when I got in the gym. I am good at reading a map and at following directions. So, when I got a written out plan of what to do each day that I go in the gym, I was relieved and empowered to move forward. Next thing was to get my body on board. So, in order to make sure that I have no conflicts with working out, I am going to the gym at a crazy early hour of the day like 6:30am. I have to eat 30 minutes before I work out (which is 6am). And I have to wake up and take medication that requires no eating for 30 minutes after taking it (so that's 5:30am). Needless to say, my body clock was not very happy with this turn of events. And I spent all of last week a little drowsy and cranky by the end of the day. I started going to sleep a little earlier and consistently getting up early. The only day that I didn't was on Sunday. I slept in 2 hours later than I had for the rest of the week.
I did really well with my assessment and my first workout. And by "well" I mean I didn't pass out or need the bucket like on The Biggest Loser". I went home each day and got back in the bed for another hour after the workouts! My muscles were really sore towards the end of the day. I was not sure if I was going to be able to complete two more back-to-back days with that level of soreness and stiffness. I massaged my muscles and took a hecka hot shower, took some Aleve and went to bed. The next morning I was still sore and apprehensive about whether I was going to be able to support my own body weight doing things like planks, push-up's and lunges. But I was able to. And I found that my muscles, while engaged, were less sore. They went back to aching when they were at rest. And by my 3 days off for the week, the soreness went away.
I just started my second week and I feel that I did a lot better today working with the trainer than I did last week. I was not defeated by any activity. I was able to do them all and I had a challenge with each set I completed. I think I am going to enjoy this new addition. I am going to work with the trainer once a week for 12 weeks (10 more to go) and see where I land. Hopefully, I will have a new habit established by then.
This week, I am going to be more diligent about measuring. I am hoping to see some good results on the scale by week 3. I know it takes a little while to balance out. Muscles are expanding before they contract and they weigh more than fat. Also being better hydrated makes it look like you are gaining but that's false. So, I will stay the course, trust the process and put the work in. HERE WE GO!!!!
I am embarking on week 2 of going to the gym!! I marched in there last week and plopped down some money for a membership and for 4 personal training sessions. I think starting with the trainer was the BEST thing I have done for myself since increasing how much water I drink each day. I realized that I could probably have lost another year by thinking that I was ready to go back to the gym and I would just know what to do when I got in there. I think what stopped me from committing to exercise was just that; I did not know where to start when I got in the gym. I am good at reading a map and at following directions. So, when I got a written out plan of what to do each day that I go in the gym, I was relieved and empowered to move forward. Next thing was to get my body on board. So, in order to make sure that I have no conflicts with working out, I am going to the gym at a crazy early hour of the day like 6:30am. I have to eat 30 minutes before I work out (which is 6am). And I have to wake up and take medication that requires no eating for 30 minutes after taking it (so that's 5:30am). Needless to say, my body clock was not very happy with this turn of events. And I spent all of last week a little drowsy and cranky by the end of the day. I started going to sleep a little earlier and consistently getting up early. The only day that I didn't was on Sunday. I slept in 2 hours later than I had for the rest of the week.
I did really well with my assessment and my first workout. And by "well" I mean I didn't pass out or need the bucket like on The Biggest Loser". I went home each day and got back in the bed for another hour after the workouts! My muscles were really sore towards the end of the day. I was not sure if I was going to be able to complete two more back-to-back days with that level of soreness and stiffness. I massaged my muscles and took a hecka hot shower, took some Aleve and went to bed. The next morning I was still sore and apprehensive about whether I was going to be able to support my own body weight doing things like planks, push-up's and lunges. But I was able to. And I found that my muscles, while engaged, were less sore. They went back to aching when they were at rest. And by my 3 days off for the week, the soreness went away.
I just started my second week and I feel that I did a lot better today working with the trainer than I did last week. I was not defeated by any activity. I was able to do them all and I had a challenge with each set I completed. I think I am going to enjoy this new addition. I am going to work with the trainer once a week for 12 weeks (10 more to go) and see where I land. Hopefully, I will have a new habit established by then.
This week, I am going to be more diligent about measuring. I am hoping to see some good results on the scale by week 3. I know it takes a little while to balance out. Muscles are expanding before they contract and they weigh more than fat. Also being better hydrated makes it look like you are gaining but that's false. So, I will stay the course, trust the process and put the work in. HERE WE GO!!!!
This is a real tough thing to get good at!
I am on my second week of working with the dietitian. I did lose half of a pound during my first week, trying to get my footing. This week, I am concentrating more on using my food log, planning my meals and getting all of my portions in. I only had one back slide this week. (I had to have a fitting farewell to cheese. Not proud of it but it happened.)
I have had a very hard time trying to get a good food schedule going with my work schedule. I have had some unusual days where I worked longer than expected stints. I went longer than I should have without eating due to needing to be in place for work things. I also got caught up with running errands on my day off and went too long without eating because I didn't want to stop and get fast food and I didn't pack any snacks. Ugh! I do now understand that food gives you the energy and ability to concentrate that you have to fake if you don't eat in a timely fashion. I could actually feel when I needed to eat. I had a noticeable drop in energy and it became hard to concentrate. When I did get to eat (maybe 30 -45 minutes after I needed to), I immediately felt better. It was kind of freaky. Lesson learned!!
This is the first week where I actually ate right every day not just weekdays. So, I noticed in order to have enough fresh food, I need two trips to the grocery store a week. But I am surely spending less money on shopping trips buying more real food and less things in boxes and entrees in the freezer section.
So, I am still learning and I am getting smarter with every day that goes by. I hope I can get more comfortable with meals and snacks plus when to eat them. And I think I need to be able to pull myself away from activities in order to eat. I really think that part of this has to do with realizing my worth and standing up for myself. I mean, a human need is a human need. The world will be just fine if I take 15 minutes to eat - or even 30 minutes! Everybody knows it. I just have to know it too. And be solid in it before it's too late for me to get a meal in.
I have had a very hard time trying to get a good food schedule going with my work schedule. I have had some unusual days where I worked longer than expected stints. I went longer than I should have without eating due to needing to be in place for work things. I also got caught up with running errands on my day off and went too long without eating because I didn't want to stop and get fast food and I didn't pack any snacks. Ugh! I do now understand that food gives you the energy and ability to concentrate that you have to fake if you don't eat in a timely fashion. I could actually feel when I needed to eat. I had a noticeable drop in energy and it became hard to concentrate. When I did get to eat (maybe 30 -45 minutes after I needed to), I immediately felt better. It was kind of freaky. Lesson learned!!
This is the first week where I actually ate right every day not just weekdays. So, I noticed in order to have enough fresh food, I need two trips to the grocery store a week. But I am surely spending less money on shopping trips buying more real food and less things in boxes and entrees in the freezer section.
So, I am still learning and I am getting smarter with every day that goes by. I hope I can get more comfortable with meals and snacks plus when to eat them. And I think I need to be able to pull myself away from activities in order to eat. I really think that part of this has to do with realizing my worth and standing up for myself. I mean, a human need is a human need. The world will be just fine if I take 15 minutes to eat - or even 30 minutes! Everybody knows it. I just have to know it too. And be solid in it before it's too late for me to get a meal in.
The Struggle is Real
I find myself at a point that I never imagined myself in. Not good or bad. Just unexpected and my reality:
1.
50 years old and unmarried
2.
Living with and caring for my Mother for almost
10 years
3.
2 cats
4.
20 pounds over the weight where I am most
comfortable
5.
Very mad at specific men that makes me not trust
any man to get close to me
6.
Unhappy and disappointed in myself
7.
Not coping well with the loss that if feel and
trying to ignore it everyday
There was a time when, even though I tried to fight it off
and not let it in, the voices of others and how they defined me spoke to me
louder than my own voice. As I ended a
bad marriage of 3 years, it took me almost 2 years until I was built back up
again. Only to allow myself to be
defined 5 more significant times by people who had their best interests at
heart, not mine. The last time this
happened was just in the past year.
So, as I took down the 2016 calendar where my goal was to
lose 10 pounds over the course of the year, I looked at January – my starting
weight. Then, I looked at December – my
ending weight and I had changed by 9 pounds.
But not by losing them. I gained
9 pounds over the course of the year. That
made 3 years in a row where I had gained.
And then I realized that I have fallen out of love with myself. I tell myself affirmations daily and I don’t
hate on my body anymore in words or thoughts.
But I don’t think I believe or trust my self-talk to myself. Somewhere in me, I lost respect for myself as
I worked harder and did more for others than I would do on my own behalf. I let myself down and I broke my own heart.
I have been trying to find a way to apologize to me and to
commit to myself and forgive myself for my own contributions and actions in my
past. And I think I really need to go back to square one. Spend time with myself and my thoughts. Allowing myself time to heal and to once
again appreciate me and all the wonderful things I bring to the world. I am valuable. I am important. I am smart.
I do have worth. And none of this
is determined by others. And if no one
else in the world sees this in me that does not mean that I should be silenced
and take these gifts away from the world.
I need to bring my full self with me everywhere I go. And I need to confidently speak up for myself
everywhere I go. My heart and my
consideration and compassion for others will keep me from becoming an
egotistical jerk. So, I’m not out to get
a big head but I don’t want to downplay myself for anyone else’s comfort.
It’s time to put me back on my priority list. And I need to honor myself inside and out. Consistency will be the key. I can’t just be good to myself once a
week. I need to be good to me everyday. I do this through the foods I eat, the water
I drink, the walks I take, the books I read, the music I listen to and the
things and people I say NO to in order to get to my ultimate goals – not being
derailed by others. And I will tell
myself that I am truly sorry and I will believe it this time because I am my
authentic and true self. I will save
myself a lot of hassle in the future when I open my mouth to say how I feel
instead of opening my mouth to eat my feelings and bury them. Taking a walk to clear my head may prevent me
from not being able to fall asleep because of so much on my mind. Writing all of this stuff down actually helps
me to breathe better, deeper and stress dissipates. Listening to music instantly changes my mood
when outdated tracks start playing in my head.
I have been spending more time each day with God and this has been going
on for most of 2016. I have been reading
the Bible and praying each morning (sometimes praying with the wrong focus for
the wrong things – but I have also received Divine correction). I have been listening more and recognizing
and acknowledging the Holy Spirit as it works in my life. And this is leading me toward scriptures that
feed me just what I need when I need it.
So I am working on appreciating me – mind, body, soul. And being
grateful for all that I have, all that I am and all that I bring to the world.
Does a working Family Caregiver ever relax???
I wear a number of hats. I have an employee hat. I have a daughter hat. I have a sister hat. I have an entrepreneur hat. And the relational hats of cousin, friend, neighbor and acquaintance. But I think the most important at the moment is the family caregiver hat. I always feel like there is a demand on me. I always feel like there is something to be completed to be checked off of one of my many "to do" lists. And if I am not doing something, I feel like I am a slacker. I even schedule time with nothing on my calendar. That is supposed to be my "down time'. I actually had to have a friend of mine tell me it was ok to spend the weekend doing nothing. - meaning not reaching a new goal or crossing something off of my list. I had to get permission to not feel guilty for just being myself for a short period of time. I should probably self-regulate better than I am doing right now. I feel like everything is piling up in every area. So, I feel like I should be working every waking minute but I know that this is not good for me. I need to take a different approach. I need to allow myself to have a day off without feeling guilty as if I don't deserve downtime. And I shouldn't have to have someone outside of myself confirm for me that it's OK to chill for a minute. I think I need to more clearly define and set aside work time in order to clearly define and set aside off time. And I need to be true to myself and speak my truth. I am spending too much time doing things that really are not important to me just because I was asked. So, instead of being 100% in the moment, I am thinking to myself, "I really should be doing something else right now". So, I am creating this anxiety. It's time to turn it off and shut it down.
Sitting here writing this blog is step one. This is one of the things that I really should have been doing. I know I am not the only person on the planet who feels like I am overwhelmed because I try to do too much and make others happy. But I have to consider myself in this scenario and make sure I stay happy too. And blogging (clearing my mind) makes me happy. When I start the day doing something just for me (pray, reflect, write down my dream from the night before), I feel a lot better than days that I start with a fire drill of any kind. It's hard to get back to my place of peace. When I start on the "what do I have to do" path, it's hard to step off of it and I end up exhausted a the end of the day because I found many things to answer that question.
Yesterday, I sat down and organized bills first thing in the morning. So, I am straight going into next month. That takes a whole lot of stress off of me. If I don't organize, everyday, it seems like I am playing catch up and I don't know where I stand on due dates or dollar amounts. And then I feel bad for not organizing and I feel bad for not caring enough to organize and I feel bad because I am not being responsible. On and on and on.
So, I am talking myself off of the ledge and going back inside the window - no longer threatening to jump. It's a way better feeling. So, friends - I hope you understand if I decline a few of your offers to go out. I will take a rain check hoping to catch you next time. I am trying to do a better job of not spreading myself too thin. Getting myself back on track and balanced. And to answer the question, "Does a family caregiver ever relax?", I believe the answer is YES. But just like getting to Carnegie Hall, it takes practice, practice, practice.
Sitting here writing this blog is step one. This is one of the things that I really should have been doing. I know I am not the only person on the planet who feels like I am overwhelmed because I try to do too much and make others happy. But I have to consider myself in this scenario and make sure I stay happy too. And blogging (clearing my mind) makes me happy. When I start the day doing something just for me (pray, reflect, write down my dream from the night before), I feel a lot better than days that I start with a fire drill of any kind. It's hard to get back to my place of peace. When I start on the "what do I have to do" path, it's hard to step off of it and I end up exhausted a the end of the day because I found many things to answer that question.
Yesterday, I sat down and organized bills first thing in the morning. So, I am straight going into next month. That takes a whole lot of stress off of me. If I don't organize, everyday, it seems like I am playing catch up and I don't know where I stand on due dates or dollar amounts. And then I feel bad for not organizing and I feel bad for not caring enough to organize and I feel bad because I am not being responsible. On and on and on.
So, I am talking myself off of the ledge and going back inside the window - no longer threatening to jump. It's a way better feeling. So, friends - I hope you understand if I decline a few of your offers to go out. I will take a rain check hoping to catch you next time. I am trying to do a better job of not spreading myself too thin. Getting myself back on track and balanced. And to answer the question, "Does a family caregiver ever relax?", I believe the answer is YES. But just like getting to Carnegie Hall, it takes practice, practice, practice.
Keep Hope Alive
My Mom had a stroke in 2005 and from that time to the present, she has shared with me that she wants to walk again. You see, she lost the ability to control her left side in her stroke. The doctors went as far as to say that she has 'left-side deficit" - she doesn't notice that her left side is there. over the years, she has made a conscious effort to recognize her left side. And we do exercises and techniques that make her use her left side in her daily activities.
Her CNA's love her and they have for years. They see my Mom as a sweet, gentle, funny old lady who needs help with her chocolate addiction. I know my Mom is all of these things but I also know that she is more. She is tough. She is determined. She is wise, cunning and highly intelligent. When she worked for the US Government, her bosses boss was the Attorney General of the United States. You don't just coast by on good looks and a smile at that level of the government. I knew her when. So, I can push her and I can motivate her. And she can do the same for me. Even though most of her attempts to support me seem like sabotages to what I am trying to accomplish (but that's for another blog).
My Mom gained some skills in rehab after her stroke. She was able to walk with a hemi walker. A hemi walker is like a cane but it has 4 legs that fold out on the bottom. But when she came home from rehab, no one got her out of bed to practice walking with her and she lost the ability. Her leg atrophied. Her muscles got tight. Her left foot won't touch the ground. Daily stretching can help loosen things up. But it hasn't brought her back to where she used to be. And with her CNA's being so in love with her, she gets little to no practice at things that will help make her stronger. As a group, they think it is easier for her to get dressed laying down. When she sits up, they whisk her into her wheelchair. I take a different approach. I have her sit on the side of the bed to get dressed so that she gets the practice of holding herself up unassisted. Building up her stamina. And when we do a transfer from the bed to the chair, we stand, pivot and sit. If she doesn't help in the process, the process stops and we start over. Even sitting back in her wheelchair is different. The girls will lift her from behind, under her arms. I will stand in front of her and support her back while she pushes herself back in the chair. We leave one foot rest off of the chair so that she can propel herself through the house. But the girls will still push her from room to room. So the cushy life that she leads is taking away her ability to do things for herself. At this point, she is winded after standing for 10 seconds. Her brain tells her "You have to sit down!!!".
So, she gets a shot at rehab about once a year. She sets a goal. She gets 30 days to try to make progress towards that goal. And in 30 days if significant gains are not made, her rehab has to end and she can re-apply in 6 months. It's very disheartening, frustrating and very sad. It's hard to frame it up for her too so that it doesn't seem like a failure. This is what it is like when using Medicare benefits for rehabilitation services.
For years, I have been trying to find a physical therapist who would work private. Or one who would work private and make home visits. Or a personal trainer who would help at home with strength training. Because of her cushy life, my Mom really does like getting some good physical activity in. She enjoys the foot and hand bikes. She enjoys practicing standing using the kitchen sink. But she will fight you on a walk around the block. She will say she wants to go and by the time we are 2 houses away, she's ready to come back. There's nothing better than a busy day when she can fall asleep by 10pm because she is tired from doing things all day.
So, this past week, we attended a luncheon for stroke survivors and there was a presentation by a company called CORE. They specialize in helping people get back from paralysis to walking unassisted and other improvements in daily living. They believe that with lots of practice and cues being sent to the brain from a number of different sources, the body will remember how to function in it's original state. So, every visit to CORE is work! Work that leads to a goal. A goal that is attainable. And you can work at it as long as it takes. They are private pay at $90 per hour-long session. Mommy can see the benefits of going. She has agreed to take a tour. But she hasn't decided whole-heartedly that she is ready to do it. Because she can see that it will be work. But once she sees all of the buff physiologists there, I think she will be on board. She responds so much better and will try harder if she knows a cute guy is counting on her to succeed. Go figure!
I am so hopeful for her future. I would love to see her reach her goal. Most of the time, when there is big change, there is big resistance from some area to try to stop the big blessing from happening. I am on the lookout. But this time, she can have her dream. She will have to work for it. But it can be hers. I have had visions already of her standing and taking steps again. This will help all of us who come in contact with her. It will make some areas of care easier. It will make her world bigger again with fewer limits. It may mean that I will have to hide the sugar-free chocolates better in the house too. And she will be a walking testimony to encourage so many.
I look forward to sharing her journey with you.
Her CNA's love her and they have for years. They see my Mom as a sweet, gentle, funny old lady who needs help with her chocolate addiction. I know my Mom is all of these things but I also know that she is more. She is tough. She is determined. She is wise, cunning and highly intelligent. When she worked for the US Government, her bosses boss was the Attorney General of the United States. You don't just coast by on good looks and a smile at that level of the government. I knew her when. So, I can push her and I can motivate her. And she can do the same for me. Even though most of her attempts to support me seem like sabotages to what I am trying to accomplish (but that's for another blog).
My Mom gained some skills in rehab after her stroke. She was able to walk with a hemi walker. A hemi walker is like a cane but it has 4 legs that fold out on the bottom. But when she came home from rehab, no one got her out of bed to practice walking with her and she lost the ability. Her leg atrophied. Her muscles got tight. Her left foot won't touch the ground. Daily stretching can help loosen things up. But it hasn't brought her back to where she used to be. And with her CNA's being so in love with her, she gets little to no practice at things that will help make her stronger. As a group, they think it is easier for her to get dressed laying down. When she sits up, they whisk her into her wheelchair. I take a different approach. I have her sit on the side of the bed to get dressed so that she gets the practice of holding herself up unassisted. Building up her stamina. And when we do a transfer from the bed to the chair, we stand, pivot and sit. If she doesn't help in the process, the process stops and we start over. Even sitting back in her wheelchair is different. The girls will lift her from behind, under her arms. I will stand in front of her and support her back while she pushes herself back in the chair. We leave one foot rest off of the chair so that she can propel herself through the house. But the girls will still push her from room to room. So the cushy life that she leads is taking away her ability to do things for herself. At this point, she is winded after standing for 10 seconds. Her brain tells her "You have to sit down!!!".
So, she gets a shot at rehab about once a year. She sets a goal. She gets 30 days to try to make progress towards that goal. And in 30 days if significant gains are not made, her rehab has to end and she can re-apply in 6 months. It's very disheartening, frustrating and very sad. It's hard to frame it up for her too so that it doesn't seem like a failure. This is what it is like when using Medicare benefits for rehabilitation services.
For years, I have been trying to find a physical therapist who would work private. Or one who would work private and make home visits. Or a personal trainer who would help at home with strength training. Because of her cushy life, my Mom really does like getting some good physical activity in. She enjoys the foot and hand bikes. She enjoys practicing standing using the kitchen sink. But she will fight you on a walk around the block. She will say she wants to go and by the time we are 2 houses away, she's ready to come back. There's nothing better than a busy day when she can fall asleep by 10pm because she is tired from doing things all day.
So, this past week, we attended a luncheon for stroke survivors and there was a presentation by a company called CORE. They specialize in helping people get back from paralysis to walking unassisted and other improvements in daily living. They believe that with lots of practice and cues being sent to the brain from a number of different sources, the body will remember how to function in it's original state. So, every visit to CORE is work! Work that leads to a goal. A goal that is attainable. And you can work at it as long as it takes. They are private pay at $90 per hour-long session. Mommy can see the benefits of going. She has agreed to take a tour. But she hasn't decided whole-heartedly that she is ready to do it. Because she can see that it will be work. But once she sees all of the buff physiologists there, I think she will be on board. She responds so much better and will try harder if she knows a cute guy is counting on her to succeed. Go figure!
I am so hopeful for her future. I would love to see her reach her goal. Most of the time, when there is big change, there is big resistance from some area to try to stop the big blessing from happening. I am on the lookout. But this time, she can have her dream. She will have to work for it. But it can be hers. I have had visions already of her standing and taking steps again. This will help all of us who come in contact with her. It will make some areas of care easier. It will make her world bigger again with fewer limits. It may mean that I will have to hide the sugar-free chocolates better in the house too. And she will be a walking testimony to encourage so many.
I look forward to sharing her journey with you.
Don't Lose Sight of your Dreams
That's it! I am going to take a bold leap here. I am going to move and shift my thinking from, "I want to do a trip to Greece for my 50th birthday." to "I am making plans to take MY 50th birthday trip to Greece!" My birthday is in 6 months and many of my closest friends and people standing closest to me at parties have heard for the last decade that I want to take a trip to Greece for my 50th year. As I stepped off of my last Royal Caribbean cruise a year ago, I grabbed the catalog for 2016 cruises. Of course, since my birthday is in December, I wanted to go during my 50th year. So, in essence, Spring/Summer of 2017.
This morning when I woke up all I could think of was, "Crap! My birthday is in 6 months!! I have to plan a trip to Greece!! I am not going to let this be a wish that floats on by. I need to take action to make this happen! And I don't care if I go all alone. I AM GOING!!"
So as of June 30, 2016, I am starting a Greece savings account at my credit union. I picked the cruise that I am interested in taking. The dates on the ship will be 7/2-7/9/2017 And I want to spend 3 days touring around Rome since that's where the ship leaves and returns. So, my itinerary is starting to form. This is really happening. Right now! As I get more details, I want to open the opportunity for people who would like to join me on this journey. Because I am so darn fun to hang out with and I know if you want to take this trip, you are fun too!
I think in almost every aspect of my life I am living my dreams and I want this to be my reality. I thought in the past that I would have to put my life on hold while taking care of Mommy was my top priority. Over the past 10 years, I have learned that I can have a full life AND be a family caregiver. So, full steam ahead! I will spend the first part of July 2017 in Italy and Greece and then come home to celebrate Mommy's 82nd birthday with her. It is possible to do it all. And if anyone can, it's me!
I will add more to the story over the next year of planning and I hope some of you will be with me as we celebrate. There are only a few things that I have wanted for a long, long time that I have actually seen materialize. So, I'm looking forward to this experience. Let's do this!!!
This morning when I woke up all I could think of was, "Crap! My birthday is in 6 months!! I have to plan a trip to Greece!! I am not going to let this be a wish that floats on by. I need to take action to make this happen! And I don't care if I go all alone. I AM GOING!!"
So as of June 30, 2016, I am starting a Greece savings account at my credit union. I picked the cruise that I am interested in taking. The dates on the ship will be 7/2-7/9/2017 And I want to spend 3 days touring around Rome since that's where the ship leaves and returns. So, my itinerary is starting to form. This is really happening. Right now! As I get more details, I want to open the opportunity for people who would like to join me on this journey. Because I am so darn fun to hang out with and I know if you want to take this trip, you are fun too!
I think in almost every aspect of my life I am living my dreams and I want this to be my reality. I thought in the past that I would have to put my life on hold while taking care of Mommy was my top priority. Over the past 10 years, I have learned that I can have a full life AND be a family caregiver. So, full steam ahead! I will spend the first part of July 2017 in Italy and Greece and then come home to celebrate Mommy's 82nd birthday with her. It is possible to do it all. And if anyone can, it's me!
I will add more to the story over the next year of planning and I hope some of you will be with me as we celebrate. There are only a few things that I have wanted for a long, long time that I have actually seen materialize. So, I'm looking forward to this experience. Let's do this!!!
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