I find myself at a point that I never imagined myself in. Not good or bad. Just unexpected and my reality:
1.
50 years old and unmarried
2.
Living with and caring for my Mother for almost
10 years
3.
2 cats
4.
20 pounds over the weight where I am most
comfortable
5.
Very mad at specific men that makes me not trust
any man to get close to me
6.
Unhappy and disappointed in myself
7.
Not coping well with the loss that if feel and
trying to ignore it everyday
There was a time when, even though I tried to fight it off
and not let it in, the voices of others and how they defined me spoke to me
louder than my own voice. As I ended a
bad marriage of 3 years, it took me almost 2 years until I was built back up
again. Only to allow myself to be
defined 5 more significant times by people who had their best interests at
heart, not mine. The last time this
happened was just in the past year.
So, as I took down the 2016 calendar where my goal was to
lose 10 pounds over the course of the year, I looked at January – my starting
weight. Then, I looked at December – my
ending weight and I had changed by 9 pounds.
But not by losing them. I gained
9 pounds over the course of the year. That
made 3 years in a row where I had gained.
And then I realized that I have fallen out of love with myself. I tell myself affirmations daily and I don’t
hate on my body anymore in words or thoughts.
But I don’t think I believe or trust my self-talk to myself. Somewhere in me, I lost respect for myself as
I worked harder and did more for others than I would do on my own behalf. I let myself down and I broke my own heart.
I have been trying to find a way to apologize to me and to
commit to myself and forgive myself for my own contributions and actions in my
past. And I think I really need to go back to square one. Spend time with myself and my thoughts. Allowing myself time to heal and to once
again appreciate me and all the wonderful things I bring to the world. I am valuable. I am important. I am smart.
I do have worth. And none of this
is determined by others. And if no one
else in the world sees this in me that does not mean that I should be silenced
and take these gifts away from the world.
I need to bring my full self with me everywhere I go. And I need to confidently speak up for myself
everywhere I go. My heart and my
consideration and compassion for others will keep me from becoming an
egotistical jerk. So, I’m not out to get
a big head but I don’t want to downplay myself for anyone else’s comfort.
It’s time to put me back on my priority list. And I need to honor myself inside and out. Consistency will be the key. I can’t just be good to myself once a
week. I need to be good to me everyday. I do this through the foods I eat, the water
I drink, the walks I take, the books I read, the music I listen to and the
things and people I say NO to in order to get to my ultimate goals – not being
derailed by others. And I will tell
myself that I am truly sorry and I will believe it this time because I am my
authentic and true self. I will save
myself a lot of hassle in the future when I open my mouth to say how I feel
instead of opening my mouth to eat my feelings and bury them. Taking a walk to clear my head may prevent me
from not being able to fall asleep because of so much on my mind. Writing all of this stuff down actually helps
me to breathe better, deeper and stress dissipates. Listening to music instantly changes my mood
when outdated tracks start playing in my head.
I have been spending more time each day with God and this has been going
on for most of 2016. I have been reading
the Bible and praying each morning (sometimes praying with the wrong focus for
the wrong things – but I have also received Divine correction). I have been listening more and recognizing
and acknowledging the Holy Spirit as it works in my life. And this is leading me toward scriptures that
feed me just what I need when I need it.
So I am working on appreciating me – mind, body, soul. And being
grateful for all that I have, all that I am and all that I bring to the world.
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