This weekend will be my first Mothers Day without my Mom being able to receive a balloon and a card. The first one that I don't make her whatever she wants to eat. The first one in many years that I will not buy her a new outfit. I will remember her fondly and the many things that she did and said to me to make me feel special. I will remember her style and her smile. Her sense of humor and the sound of her laughter.
I am going to be with the rest of my family during this time because we have so much to celebrate. My oldest nephew is graduating from law school. His sister will celebrate a birthday next week. I have another nephew graduating from high school in the next 2 weeks. And I am always in celebration mode when I am around my great niece. She is an 18 month old ball of energy and attitude. I love all of my family so much. But with all of this happiness, my heart breaks that my Mom isn't physically here to be a part of the party. She loved a good party. And tried to never miss a good one.
I know in my heart and soul, that each time we smile and each time we cry and each time we embrace and share our love, my Mom is there with us. And it will all be ok. I hope I can help the young ones to feel the love and share laughter while they feel the loss. It's so good that we will be together and so sucks that we will feel the big hole left with both matriarchs missing. I am preparing to be unprepared for this ebb and flow of emotions. And I will just roll with it. I have never been in this space before so whatever happens is just fine. It's time to take it easy on myself once again while looking forward to the whole experience.
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
It's Been 6 Months
Tuesday of this week marked 6 months since Mommy has been
gone from this physical plane. I am
still cleaning out her room, her closet and dresser. Still disbursing her items to those in need
and those who can be blessed, even now, by her generosity. I am still living with her personal items
around me everyday. At the same time, I
am working on turning my house back into my
house. I re-arranged my bedroom to the
way it was before I had to listen out nightly in case she needed
something. I got a new bed for myself
and moved my old bed into her room to make it a guest room.
In order to make room for my bed to go in, I moved my shoe
racks and my laundry hampers across the hall to the third bedroom. Once my bed was in place, I looked across the
hall to that room with my shoes so nicely lined up and thought to myself, “I
could make this whole room my closet if I wanted to!” Needless to say, I have yet to bring my shoes
back across the hall. I think the closet
idea is in the works!
I have seen a lot of co-workers face-to-face recently who
have called me “world traveler” because they see that I post from all sorts of
locations monthly. I have planned a trip
for myself for 7 of the 12 months of this year.
But really, that’s who I am. I
love to travel and I tried to do as much of it as I could when I was a primary
caregiver. Like I have said before, when
Mommy got her wings, I got mine too. And
we are both learning how to fly again.
I am making a lot of changes. But they are changes that bring the real “me”
back. And honor my respect for myself,
my body and this life that I have been given.
But I am only making changes as fast or slowly as I want to. I refuse to be stagnant or to live in the
past too much. Because that does me no
good and does not honor my Mom and the person that she helped mold me to
be. I am a lively, vibrant mover and
shaker. And I am always going to show
it. I also don’t feel any pressure to
finish moving all of her belonging and be completely finished at any specific
measure of time. I will get to it when I
get to it. When I feel up to it and I
can appreciate the work I am doing. Not dread it or be bummed out by it. It’s like creating little projects for myself
instead of one big ball of stuff that needs to be unraveled. So, I will just do the medicine drawers one
day. And just do the dresser top another
day. And just go through jewelry at a
different time. I will get done
eventually.
All in all, I am feeling pretty good about my progress and
moving along at my own pace. I still
feel honored that I got to play a role in my Mom’s life over her last decade
that was different from any other aspect of our relationship before her stroke. I know she is at peace and I am enjoying peace too.
Victory in Life and Death
I have to tell everyone who reads this that I know God works in my life and in the lives of those connected to me. And God was the orchestrator of the way things went with my Mom's passing. I don't think that we could have had a more loving, peaceful, harmonious atmosphere and experience than the one that we experienced. And I am content, peaceful and I have a good feeling in my soul that we did everything in the best, loving interest of my Mom. No regrets!
My family came together like never before and each one of us has a unique set of skills that we brought to the situation. I did a lot of the communication to allow people who wanted to spend time and say their goodbye's to get there in time. My brother was a supportive sounding board and has a way of connecting with people on a level that I just don't possess. And my sister-in-law came in for one very critical day and used all of her nursing powers to make sure that Mommy had the best and most appropriate care and we had the best environment to spend time with Mommy right up until the end.
She was surrounded by friends, family, her Pastors and lots of love as her final journey from this world began at 2pm on Tuesday afternoon. As midnight fell, the family decided we would go home to rest and come back in the morning. Just as we were going to leave, my brother said that he wanted to stay. So, my sister-in-law and I said goodnight to the two of them and we went home. After 10 years with my Mom, it is only fitting and right to allow my brother to have his time with Mommy too. Nothing could have been more perfect. I slept so deeply and comfortably. No tossing and turning. No dreams. No "to-do" lists running through my head.
At 6:02AM on Wednesday, November 1st, I heard my text message alert. I checked the phone and saw these 6 words "I think she just slipped away". I was in the hospital room by 6:18AM to say my very last goodbye to the best Mommy I have ever known.
As the day continued, Stevie and I went to have breakfast in one of Mommy's (and Daddy's) favorite restaurants. We set an appointment with the funeral home. My best friend joined us to do some of the heavy lifting for the day. We went and made arrangements for cremation. We purchased thank you cards. We reflected. We talked to family members and friends who needed to be notified on Mommy's passing. At about 4pm, I thought to myself, "I have seen her face for the last time." It wasn't a sad thought. It was a surprising thought. We went to bed at about 9PM on Wednesday night completely exhausted from the day's events but completely content that we did the best that we could do for our Mom.
The thought that I woke up with on Thursday morning was that Mommy got her wings and I did too. Both of us will have an adjustment time getting used to them. But we will both learn to use them again and soar to new heights in joy and in victory. Just like Mommy, I get a renewed freedom. I can accelerate my dreams. I can step out into the light and take a look around at what awaits me. I can help more people and I can do it in person to hold someone's hand and walk them through tough times like some that I have experienced over the years. I am excited about the future and sharing lessons I have learned with my Mom to others all over.
My family came together like never before and each one of us has a unique set of skills that we brought to the situation. I did a lot of the communication to allow people who wanted to spend time and say their goodbye's to get there in time. My brother was a supportive sounding board and has a way of connecting with people on a level that I just don't possess. And my sister-in-law came in for one very critical day and used all of her nursing powers to make sure that Mommy had the best and most appropriate care and we had the best environment to spend time with Mommy right up until the end.
She was surrounded by friends, family, her Pastors and lots of love as her final journey from this world began at 2pm on Tuesday afternoon. As midnight fell, the family decided we would go home to rest and come back in the morning. Just as we were going to leave, my brother said that he wanted to stay. So, my sister-in-law and I said goodnight to the two of them and we went home. After 10 years with my Mom, it is only fitting and right to allow my brother to have his time with Mommy too. Nothing could have been more perfect. I slept so deeply and comfortably. No tossing and turning. No dreams. No "to-do" lists running through my head.
At 6:02AM on Wednesday, November 1st, I heard my text message alert. I checked the phone and saw these 6 words "I think she just slipped away". I was in the hospital room by 6:18AM to say my very last goodbye to the best Mommy I have ever known.
As the day continued, Stevie and I went to have breakfast in one of Mommy's (and Daddy's) favorite restaurants. We set an appointment with the funeral home. My best friend joined us to do some of the heavy lifting for the day. We went and made arrangements for cremation. We purchased thank you cards. We reflected. We talked to family members and friends who needed to be notified on Mommy's passing. At about 4pm, I thought to myself, "I have seen her face for the last time." It wasn't a sad thought. It was a surprising thought. We went to bed at about 9PM on Wednesday night completely exhausted from the day's events but completely content that we did the best that we could do for our Mom.
The thought that I woke up with on Thursday morning was that Mommy got her wings and I did too. Both of us will have an adjustment time getting used to them. But we will both learn to use them again and soar to new heights in joy and in victory. Just like Mommy, I get a renewed freedom. I can accelerate my dreams. I can step out into the light and take a look around at what awaits me. I can help more people and I can do it in person to hold someone's hand and walk them through tough times like some that I have experienced over the years. I am excited about the future and sharing lessons I have learned with my Mom to others all over.
PCU
So the hospitalization continues. Thankfully, Mommy made it out of ICU. She is now in PCU, the medical progressive care unit. She has been in this unit for going on 7 days now. It allows eyes on her regularly and it allows the rapid response team (from ICU) to pop in on her and see how she is doing. She is still using the bipap at night to be able to breathe more easily. And during the day, she has the oxygen tube in her nose. The biggest problem with that it that the machine is so loud that she stays awake at night when wearing it. Then she needs her rest and sleeps most of the day. So, it seems that the heart issues are serious enough to need immediate attention. There should be a procedure done within the next few days to help her blood flow which could help her clear her lungs and get back on track. So, during this phase, I have learned a few things. I am the expert on the topic of my Mom. The people here in the hospital have never seen her before. They don't know what a good day looks like. And I have to stand up and speak for her when she cannot speak for herself. I am very grateful for the people who work with us daily who stay with my Mom each day. They have been so wonderful at keeping me informed when I was not sitting in the room. I am also grateful for family who are actively interested in what's going on here in Florida. And I am grateful for the prayer warriors and those who may be praying for the first time in order to do what they can to help. I also learned that I can spend hours away from the hospital and feel good about my decision. I have spent every night sleeping in my own bed. We only live minutes from the hospital. So, I stay until about midnight (earlier some nights) and then go home to bed. That has helped me feel good taking care of my cats, having all of my stuff around me getting ready in the morning. And I feel better rested with no sounds of beeping, chimes of all kinds, carts rolling or random conversations. Then I have a better mental status and I have to have that to make decisions that I will be able to live with. I have also learned what is most important. I know what is important by what has fallen to the wayside during the last couple of weeks. Laundry is not that important (yet). Cooking once a week has worked out really well for me. I am knocking on wood because I have not been late on any bills. And I am learning how to work from just about anywhere. I am practicing being present. I am only going to commit to being in one place at a time. It does not do me any good to be at work or at my home and mentally walking the halls of the hospital. And it doesn't do me any good to be anxious while I am sitting in the hospital room because I feel like I should be somewhere else doing something else. I take breaks and walk to the lobby. I go down to the cafeteria. I don't torture myself staying put if I don't have to. And food and water are essential to life. So, I have been packing snacks and eating meals ( at least twice a day). I had to start somewhere, right? I have not told a lot of people locally that Mommy is in the hospital. She is not in the kind of environment where she can receive food or flowers. And to tell you the truth, visitors take a lot of energy to entertain and Mommy just doesn't have a lot of energy right now. And I am not a good hostess in this environment. I feel more like a protective mama bear than the hostess with the mostest. So, the circle is pretty small right now. And I am good with this. More later... Much love.
Exactly What It Takes
It's getting very close to the time that I leave for vacation. I want to be able to take a mental and physical vacation away from home with no caregiving responsibilities. There are a lot of things that I am going to do in order to be able to spend a care-free time on vacation and be completely present and in the moment.
I made arrangements 6 months ago with family members to come and stay with my Mom while I go away. And this week, I confirmed that we are still on track with the plans. Since I will be gone for 12 days, I needed two relatives to come for part-time each. I will leave tips and hints, directions on where the chocolate stash is kept and a regular daily schedule document for them to refer to. I will also leave the addresses for Mom's therapy location and our church so that they can take her while I am away.
I am going to load 2 med cases to cover two weeks of time. In addition to family members, I have also done as much as I can (barring no emergencies) to make sure that all of the regular CNA's are in place to work on the days when I am gone.
I am doing a menu plan for the whole 12 days and cooking and freezing dinners for 5 - 7 nights.
I am leaving a stash of cash for emergency pizza or Chinese food.
I have stocked up on all supplies for personal care and made sure that all medications are in the supply needed.
And I have to pay the bills for the month before I go. If I don't everything for the month will have a late fee attached to it. And we can't have that!!
More than all of this, it has been most important to keep my Mom abreast of the happenings and to remind her of when I will be gone and who is coming to stay with her. And the second most important thing is convincing myself that everything will be fine. I have done enough. I have nothing to worry about. The people at the house have got the helm. I will be off duty with no worries.
It seems like a lot to be able to walk out of the house and have no worries. But I really want that feeling of having no worries and I will go to great lengths in order to make that feeling happen because I need it and because I deserve it. And it has been more than 10 years since I have had this opportunity. There is no such thing as just taking off on a whim anymore. Those days are long gone for a good, long while. This trip is the closest I have come since 2005. And this one sure wasn't just a whim. It has taken, motivation, belief, planning, strategy and lots of help from many different people. And it is about to become reality. I am so so ready!!!
So, I have a lot left to do. But I am highly motivated to get stuff done and take the break that I deserve. I will take lots of pictures to share with everyone. Ciao for now!
I made arrangements 6 months ago with family members to come and stay with my Mom while I go away. And this week, I confirmed that we are still on track with the plans. Since I will be gone for 12 days, I needed two relatives to come for part-time each. I will leave tips and hints, directions on where the chocolate stash is kept and a regular daily schedule document for them to refer to. I will also leave the addresses for Mom's therapy location and our church so that they can take her while I am away.
I am going to load 2 med cases to cover two weeks of time. In addition to family members, I have also done as much as I can (barring no emergencies) to make sure that all of the regular CNA's are in place to work on the days when I am gone.
I am doing a menu plan for the whole 12 days and cooking and freezing dinners for 5 - 7 nights.
I am leaving a stash of cash for emergency pizza or Chinese food.
I have stocked up on all supplies for personal care and made sure that all medications are in the supply needed.
And I have to pay the bills for the month before I go. If I don't everything for the month will have a late fee attached to it. And we can't have that!!
More than all of this, it has been most important to keep my Mom abreast of the happenings and to remind her of when I will be gone and who is coming to stay with her. And the second most important thing is convincing myself that everything will be fine. I have done enough. I have nothing to worry about. The people at the house have got the helm. I will be off duty with no worries.
It seems like a lot to be able to walk out of the house and have no worries. But I really want that feeling of having no worries and I will go to great lengths in order to make that feeling happen because I need it and because I deserve it. And it has been more than 10 years since I have had this opportunity. There is no such thing as just taking off on a whim anymore. Those days are long gone for a good, long while. This trip is the closest I have come since 2005. And this one sure wasn't just a whim. It has taken, motivation, belief, planning, strategy and lots of help from many different people. And it is about to become reality. I am so so ready!!!
So, I have a lot left to do. But I am highly motivated to get stuff done and take the break that I deserve. I will take lots of pictures to share with everyone. Ciao for now!
It's a good tired
I don't want to let this moment pass without honoring it. Today is Wednesday and I just got back from a great 4 day vacation on Monday. I went to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. I had a very relaxing time. I got sun, sleep, massage, drinks and laughs with some wonderful family members that I don't see often enough. And I returned home to amped up mayhem. It seems it's time to pump out the septic tank. But no one here at home thought that I should be alerted or forewarned while enjoying my 4 days away. I guess that was nice of them to not bother me with the news. So I came home on high alert. Tuesday I called about having the work done and was told that it could be done on Wedensday. But until they get here, no running of the dishwasher or clothes washer because that can cause problems that no one wants to clean up. So for the last two nights I have been taking clothes to a local laundromat to wash them. Then I bring them home to dry them and put them away. I had that honor tonight because the company slid me to tomorrow's schedule instead on coming today for the pump out. This extra task has made for some late nights.
I'm tired. But it's a good tired. It think the vacation put me in a mood that makes this ok. God knows what He's doing even when we don't. I was also very concerned about paying bills on time with depleted funds. And in the last 24 hours, I have found 2 accounts that I didn't even know I had! Once again God knows what He's doing even when we don't.
My Mom has been resting during prime time. She watches TV, gets drowsy and cranks the volume up on the TV because she says she can't hear it. The reality is that she is asleep! So cranking up the volume will keep her more alert. Three times I came in the kitchen door and thought the TV in the family room next door was on only to find that the TV in her room was up to a volume of 40! Two of these 3 times, she had a CNA sitting right next to her letting this happen like everything was normal. Ugh!!! I just go in and turn it back down. Most times there is a mini lecture that goes with this activity. "Why does the TV have to be so loud?", I say. And she replies, "because I can't hear it!" And we play this game each time. Then, when I sit down in the room with her, she falls asleep peacefully with the colume at a normal level. I'm tired. But it's a good tired.
I'm looking forward to being first on the schedule tomorrow so that this cycle can stop and I can rest once more. But I do note that every one of my concerns is being handled. And I don't have to worry. I can take all of this in stride. I know who is in control and I have been equipped for what lies ahead in any situation.
I just wanted to share that.
I'm tired. But it's a good tired. It think the vacation put me in a mood that makes this ok. God knows what He's doing even when we don't. I was also very concerned about paying bills on time with depleted funds. And in the last 24 hours, I have found 2 accounts that I didn't even know I had! Once again God knows what He's doing even when we don't.
My Mom has been resting during prime time. She watches TV, gets drowsy and cranks the volume up on the TV because she says she can't hear it. The reality is that she is asleep! So cranking up the volume will keep her more alert. Three times I came in the kitchen door and thought the TV in the family room next door was on only to find that the TV in her room was up to a volume of 40! Two of these 3 times, she had a CNA sitting right next to her letting this happen like everything was normal. Ugh!!! I just go in and turn it back down. Most times there is a mini lecture that goes with this activity. "Why does the TV have to be so loud?", I say. And she replies, "because I can't hear it!" And we play this game each time. Then, when I sit down in the room with her, she falls asleep peacefully with the colume at a normal level. I'm tired. But it's a good tired.
I'm looking forward to being first on the schedule tomorrow so that this cycle can stop and I can rest once more. But I do note that every one of my concerns is being handled. And I don't have to worry. I can take all of this in stride. I know who is in control and I have been equipped for what lies ahead in any situation.
I just wanted to share that.
Keep Hope Alive
My Mom had a stroke in 2005 and from that time to the present, she has shared with me that she wants to walk again. You see, she lost the ability to control her left side in her stroke. The doctors went as far as to say that she has 'left-side deficit" - she doesn't notice that her left side is there. over the years, she has made a conscious effort to recognize her left side. And we do exercises and techniques that make her use her left side in her daily activities.
Her CNA's love her and they have for years. They see my Mom as a sweet, gentle, funny old lady who needs help with her chocolate addiction. I know my Mom is all of these things but I also know that she is more. She is tough. She is determined. She is wise, cunning and highly intelligent. When she worked for the US Government, her bosses boss was the Attorney General of the United States. You don't just coast by on good looks and a smile at that level of the government. I knew her when. So, I can push her and I can motivate her. And she can do the same for me. Even though most of her attempts to support me seem like sabotages to what I am trying to accomplish (but that's for another blog).
My Mom gained some skills in rehab after her stroke. She was able to walk with a hemi walker. A hemi walker is like a cane but it has 4 legs that fold out on the bottom. But when she came home from rehab, no one got her out of bed to practice walking with her and she lost the ability. Her leg atrophied. Her muscles got tight. Her left foot won't touch the ground. Daily stretching can help loosen things up. But it hasn't brought her back to where she used to be. And with her CNA's being so in love with her, she gets little to no practice at things that will help make her stronger. As a group, they think it is easier for her to get dressed laying down. When she sits up, they whisk her into her wheelchair. I take a different approach. I have her sit on the side of the bed to get dressed so that she gets the practice of holding herself up unassisted. Building up her stamina. And when we do a transfer from the bed to the chair, we stand, pivot and sit. If she doesn't help in the process, the process stops and we start over. Even sitting back in her wheelchair is different. The girls will lift her from behind, under her arms. I will stand in front of her and support her back while she pushes herself back in the chair. We leave one foot rest off of the chair so that she can propel herself through the house. But the girls will still push her from room to room. So the cushy life that she leads is taking away her ability to do things for herself. At this point, she is winded after standing for 10 seconds. Her brain tells her "You have to sit down!!!".
So, she gets a shot at rehab about once a year. She sets a goal. She gets 30 days to try to make progress towards that goal. And in 30 days if significant gains are not made, her rehab has to end and she can re-apply in 6 months. It's very disheartening, frustrating and very sad. It's hard to frame it up for her too so that it doesn't seem like a failure. This is what it is like when using Medicare benefits for rehabilitation services.
For years, I have been trying to find a physical therapist who would work private. Or one who would work private and make home visits. Or a personal trainer who would help at home with strength training. Because of her cushy life, my Mom really does like getting some good physical activity in. She enjoys the foot and hand bikes. She enjoys practicing standing using the kitchen sink. But she will fight you on a walk around the block. She will say she wants to go and by the time we are 2 houses away, she's ready to come back. There's nothing better than a busy day when she can fall asleep by 10pm because she is tired from doing things all day.
So, this past week, we attended a luncheon for stroke survivors and there was a presentation by a company called CORE. They specialize in helping people get back from paralysis to walking unassisted and other improvements in daily living. They believe that with lots of practice and cues being sent to the brain from a number of different sources, the body will remember how to function in it's original state. So, every visit to CORE is work! Work that leads to a goal. A goal that is attainable. And you can work at it as long as it takes. They are private pay at $90 per hour-long session. Mommy can see the benefits of going. She has agreed to take a tour. But she hasn't decided whole-heartedly that she is ready to do it. Because she can see that it will be work. But once she sees all of the buff physiologists there, I think she will be on board. She responds so much better and will try harder if she knows a cute guy is counting on her to succeed. Go figure!
I am so hopeful for her future. I would love to see her reach her goal. Most of the time, when there is big change, there is big resistance from some area to try to stop the big blessing from happening. I am on the lookout. But this time, she can have her dream. She will have to work for it. But it can be hers. I have had visions already of her standing and taking steps again. This will help all of us who come in contact with her. It will make some areas of care easier. It will make her world bigger again with fewer limits. It may mean that I will have to hide the sugar-free chocolates better in the house too. And she will be a walking testimony to encourage so many.
I look forward to sharing her journey with you.
Her CNA's love her and they have for years. They see my Mom as a sweet, gentle, funny old lady who needs help with her chocolate addiction. I know my Mom is all of these things but I also know that she is more. She is tough. She is determined. She is wise, cunning and highly intelligent. When she worked for the US Government, her bosses boss was the Attorney General of the United States. You don't just coast by on good looks and a smile at that level of the government. I knew her when. So, I can push her and I can motivate her. And she can do the same for me. Even though most of her attempts to support me seem like sabotages to what I am trying to accomplish (but that's for another blog).
My Mom gained some skills in rehab after her stroke. She was able to walk with a hemi walker. A hemi walker is like a cane but it has 4 legs that fold out on the bottom. But when she came home from rehab, no one got her out of bed to practice walking with her and she lost the ability. Her leg atrophied. Her muscles got tight. Her left foot won't touch the ground. Daily stretching can help loosen things up. But it hasn't brought her back to where she used to be. And with her CNA's being so in love with her, she gets little to no practice at things that will help make her stronger. As a group, they think it is easier for her to get dressed laying down. When she sits up, they whisk her into her wheelchair. I take a different approach. I have her sit on the side of the bed to get dressed so that she gets the practice of holding herself up unassisted. Building up her stamina. And when we do a transfer from the bed to the chair, we stand, pivot and sit. If she doesn't help in the process, the process stops and we start over. Even sitting back in her wheelchair is different. The girls will lift her from behind, under her arms. I will stand in front of her and support her back while she pushes herself back in the chair. We leave one foot rest off of the chair so that she can propel herself through the house. But the girls will still push her from room to room. So the cushy life that she leads is taking away her ability to do things for herself. At this point, she is winded after standing for 10 seconds. Her brain tells her "You have to sit down!!!".
So, she gets a shot at rehab about once a year. She sets a goal. She gets 30 days to try to make progress towards that goal. And in 30 days if significant gains are not made, her rehab has to end and she can re-apply in 6 months. It's very disheartening, frustrating and very sad. It's hard to frame it up for her too so that it doesn't seem like a failure. This is what it is like when using Medicare benefits for rehabilitation services.
For years, I have been trying to find a physical therapist who would work private. Or one who would work private and make home visits. Or a personal trainer who would help at home with strength training. Because of her cushy life, my Mom really does like getting some good physical activity in. She enjoys the foot and hand bikes. She enjoys practicing standing using the kitchen sink. But she will fight you on a walk around the block. She will say she wants to go and by the time we are 2 houses away, she's ready to come back. There's nothing better than a busy day when she can fall asleep by 10pm because she is tired from doing things all day.
So, this past week, we attended a luncheon for stroke survivors and there was a presentation by a company called CORE. They specialize in helping people get back from paralysis to walking unassisted and other improvements in daily living. They believe that with lots of practice and cues being sent to the brain from a number of different sources, the body will remember how to function in it's original state. So, every visit to CORE is work! Work that leads to a goal. A goal that is attainable. And you can work at it as long as it takes. They are private pay at $90 per hour-long session. Mommy can see the benefits of going. She has agreed to take a tour. But she hasn't decided whole-heartedly that she is ready to do it. Because she can see that it will be work. But once she sees all of the buff physiologists there, I think she will be on board. She responds so much better and will try harder if she knows a cute guy is counting on her to succeed. Go figure!
I am so hopeful for her future. I would love to see her reach her goal. Most of the time, when there is big change, there is big resistance from some area to try to stop the big blessing from happening. I am on the lookout. But this time, she can have her dream. She will have to work for it. But it can be hers. I have had visions already of her standing and taking steps again. This will help all of us who come in contact with her. It will make some areas of care easier. It will make her world bigger again with fewer limits. It may mean that I will have to hide the sugar-free chocolates better in the house too. And she will be a walking testimony to encourage so many.
I look forward to sharing her journey with you.
Don't Lose Sight of your Dreams
That's it! I am going to take a bold leap here. I am going to move and shift my thinking from, "I want to do a trip to Greece for my 50th birthday." to "I am making plans to take MY 50th birthday trip to Greece!" My birthday is in 6 months and many of my closest friends and people standing closest to me at parties have heard for the last decade that I want to take a trip to Greece for my 50th year. As I stepped off of my last Royal Caribbean cruise a year ago, I grabbed the catalog for 2016 cruises. Of course, since my birthday is in December, I wanted to go during my 50th year. So, in essence, Spring/Summer of 2017.
This morning when I woke up all I could think of was, "Crap! My birthday is in 6 months!! I have to plan a trip to Greece!! I am not going to let this be a wish that floats on by. I need to take action to make this happen! And I don't care if I go all alone. I AM GOING!!"
So as of June 30, 2016, I am starting a Greece savings account at my credit union. I picked the cruise that I am interested in taking. The dates on the ship will be 7/2-7/9/2017 And I want to spend 3 days touring around Rome since that's where the ship leaves and returns. So, my itinerary is starting to form. This is really happening. Right now! As I get more details, I want to open the opportunity for people who would like to join me on this journey. Because I am so darn fun to hang out with and I know if you want to take this trip, you are fun too!
I think in almost every aspect of my life I am living my dreams and I want this to be my reality. I thought in the past that I would have to put my life on hold while taking care of Mommy was my top priority. Over the past 10 years, I have learned that I can have a full life AND be a family caregiver. So, full steam ahead! I will spend the first part of July 2017 in Italy and Greece and then come home to celebrate Mommy's 82nd birthday with her. It is possible to do it all. And if anyone can, it's me!
I will add more to the story over the next year of planning and I hope some of you will be with me as we celebrate. There are only a few things that I have wanted for a long, long time that I have actually seen materialize. So, I'm looking forward to this experience. Let's do this!!!
This morning when I woke up all I could think of was, "Crap! My birthday is in 6 months!! I have to plan a trip to Greece!! I am not going to let this be a wish that floats on by. I need to take action to make this happen! And I don't care if I go all alone. I AM GOING!!"
So as of June 30, 2016, I am starting a Greece savings account at my credit union. I picked the cruise that I am interested in taking. The dates on the ship will be 7/2-7/9/2017 And I want to spend 3 days touring around Rome since that's where the ship leaves and returns. So, my itinerary is starting to form. This is really happening. Right now! As I get more details, I want to open the opportunity for people who would like to join me on this journey. Because I am so darn fun to hang out with and I know if you want to take this trip, you are fun too!
I think in almost every aspect of my life I am living my dreams and I want this to be my reality. I thought in the past that I would have to put my life on hold while taking care of Mommy was my top priority. Over the past 10 years, I have learned that I can have a full life AND be a family caregiver. So, full steam ahead! I will spend the first part of July 2017 in Italy and Greece and then come home to celebrate Mommy's 82nd birthday with her. It is possible to do it all. And if anyone can, it's me!
I will add more to the story over the next year of planning and I hope some of you will be with me as we celebrate. There are only a few things that I have wanted for a long, long time that I have actually seen materialize. So, I'm looking forward to this experience. Let's do this!!!
Life's little heartaches
The BeeGees asked, "How do you mend a broken heart?". I think that it gets mended through acceptance, strength, forgiveness and moving forward. The better question may be, "Why do I have a broken heart?" Because as family caregivers, we have our hearts broken pretty regularly. We deal with a great deal of loss; loss of the loved one we once knew (changes in physical and mental states), loss of abilities, loss of our own freedom, loss of friends/relationships. Many times, in order to get through what we have to do as family caregivers, we will create systems and plans and schedules and routines in an effort to gain control over things that we are really not completely in control of. We visualize what a good day will look like. We make plans and follow through with them to make the positive outcomes that we are looking for. Some of us know that these moments will never come again. So, we want to do everything we can to make the moments perfect. That's a lot of effort, energy and heart being expended. So, sometimes when things don't go as planned, we get our hearts broken, our feelings hurt and we experience more loss - loss of the control that we desperately try to have over the uncontrollable.
I find myself in that situation on occasion. I have tried to lessen the chances of being hurt by having no control over the uncontrollable circumstances that come along. Lots of times, I give up the control and let the situation roll out the way it is going to roll out and go from being in control to rolling with the punches. That's part of the resilience of a family caregiver. But on a rare occasion, you find that you are really looking forward to something (an occasion, an outing, a new piece of medical equipment that will make your life easier) and you put a lot more positive energy there than you even know. When that plan changes, falls through, gets delayed - it really knocks the wind out of you. I think when you are still down, it is so important to have at least one person on the planet (not the person that you care for) that you can tell what just threw you for a loop. When you get to hear yourself explain the situation out loud, automatically, it won't seem as bad as it was when you were the only one carrying the weight. Hopefully, the person that you talk to will display some empathy and will understand that you just suffered a blow. Because being heard and acknowledged also will make the situation seem less tragic. After being heard and acknowledged, I start to see where I am standing and I ask myself if I really need to be there. Do I need to be THIS upset over a change in plans? Do I need to be THIS frazzled because we had to leave a restaurant in the middle of the meal? Or do I need to be THIS sad because a social visit got cancelled or postponed? Most of the time, there are far bigger things to be upset about and this offense can be understood or overlooked. Put away the horns and other party favors because the pity party has come to an end. It's time to re-group. Chalk it up. Let it go. See it for what it was. Take the hate, anger, disgust out of your heart and mind. Take a deep breath (or a heavy sigh) and keep moving. If needed, you can even forgive yourself for the way you handled the situation. Almost always, it's not the end of the world. As family caregivers, we know that, ultimately, we can't win them all no matter how hard we want to. So, we sit with it for a while. It was not what we planned. But it's OK. Life continues. We definitely live and learn. And we will make it back to happy little by little. BTW - writing this down for you to read has made me feel tremendously better. And I am well on the way to mending this most recent broken heart.
I find myself in that situation on occasion. I have tried to lessen the chances of being hurt by having no control over the uncontrollable circumstances that come along. Lots of times, I give up the control and let the situation roll out the way it is going to roll out and go from being in control to rolling with the punches. That's part of the resilience of a family caregiver. But on a rare occasion, you find that you are really looking forward to something (an occasion, an outing, a new piece of medical equipment that will make your life easier) and you put a lot more positive energy there than you even know. When that plan changes, falls through, gets delayed - it really knocks the wind out of you. I think when you are still down, it is so important to have at least one person on the planet (not the person that you care for) that you can tell what just threw you for a loop. When you get to hear yourself explain the situation out loud, automatically, it won't seem as bad as it was when you were the only one carrying the weight. Hopefully, the person that you talk to will display some empathy and will understand that you just suffered a blow. Because being heard and acknowledged also will make the situation seem less tragic. After being heard and acknowledged, I start to see where I am standing and I ask myself if I really need to be there. Do I need to be THIS upset over a change in plans? Do I need to be THIS frazzled because we had to leave a restaurant in the middle of the meal? Or do I need to be THIS sad because a social visit got cancelled or postponed? Most of the time, there are far bigger things to be upset about and this offense can be understood or overlooked. Put away the horns and other party favors because the pity party has come to an end. It's time to re-group. Chalk it up. Let it go. See it for what it was. Take the hate, anger, disgust out of your heart and mind. Take a deep breath (or a heavy sigh) and keep moving. If needed, you can even forgive yourself for the way you handled the situation. Almost always, it's not the end of the world. As family caregivers, we know that, ultimately, we can't win them all no matter how hard we want to. So, we sit with it for a while. It was not what we planned. But it's OK. Life continues. We definitely live and learn. And we will make it back to happy little by little. BTW - writing this down for you to read has made me feel tremendously better. And I am well on the way to mending this most recent broken heart.
All Good
It's really nice to see that I am not the only one who cares. I decided this year that I would stop fighting harder for people than they were willing to fight for themselves. The morning after the crazy breadstick incident, my Mom decided when she heard that her waking blood sugar was in the high 200's that she would take it easy on the carbs and increase her fluid intake to help herself get her blood sugar back to a more healthy range. I didn't have to say a word the whole day. And I didn't. I was just so happy that she realized that she had temporarily lost her damn mind. The night before, she made everyone feel like we were being unfair to her when in reality, she was a breadstick eating fiend (temporarily). I'm pretty proud of her for taking control of her own situation and owning her situation. With that attitude, she will have a number of good years ahead.
Pushed to the Limits
My oh my! Pushing the boundaries is a pastime for my Mom! This week, she had lots of opportunities as she turned 80 on Tuesday, July 14th. She had company in from home and she wanted to make the most of their time together. On the first full day they had together, my Mom got up at 8am and stayed up and moving until 10pm with no nap or trip to relax in bed. She took the week as the ultimate in eating everything bad and in excess. Breakfast on her birthday was Corned Beef hash, grits, eggs and a biscuit. All good for her birthday. No problem there. And no lunch because she was full until dinner. Dinner was a loaded plate at a teppanyaki cook-at-the-table restaurant. Leftovers were enough for dinner for the next 2 nights. I have been trying to give her enough insulin for all of the dastardly things she will take part in. But after she makes up her evil plans, she changes them in the middle of the frenzy. Case in point - Olive Garden dinner. Understood there would be breadsticks in the plan of attack. A cocktail was also in the mix. Dinner and dessert were chosen. All good. We did not order appetizers in order for dinner to arrive in a timely fashion. Then, we could time the insulin shot to best match up with when the food was coming. First the drinks come. A few sips and it's time for the insulin. Many more units than she would typically need because of the hefty meal to come. Breadsticks arrive. She has one with Alfredo dipping sauce. Yummy. Then another. - Danger Zone. And before she can finish, she's asking for a third one! I let her know we didn't come to the restaurant for a breadstick dinner. We came for a complete meal. #3 was split in half. Then, the entrée - Chicken Parm and a side of spaghetti arrive. She eats half of it in order to save room for the raspberry cheesecake that she planned on for her dessert. Well, at breadstick 2.5, I think the insulin coverage attempt was foiled. So, she was stuffy with a runny nose by the time she finished with the meal. When she got her long-acting insulin, we pushed that up too in order to help the situation. The next morning her waking blood sugar was 210. FAIL!!!!
So she has a sensible breakfast and before her plate is cleared from the table she says, "There's Oreos in that cabinet over there." As if!!! What's the point in making it to your 80th birthday if you are going to kill yourself by the end of the first week as an 80 year old! I can't wait for her sugar to get back in alignment so that she can think more clearly. I know everyone deserves to live a little. But if she did this all of the time, she would have a very short life left. I love it when people say to me, "she's old - giver her what she wants". She won't get much older with that mentality. She is in very good health and I want to keep it that way. She is not denied anything. She is denied the kind of excess that she won't be able to recover from. But she's making it hard on a sista'!
So she has a sensible breakfast and before her plate is cleared from the table she says, "There's Oreos in that cabinet over there." As if!!! What's the point in making it to your 80th birthday if you are going to kill yourself by the end of the first week as an 80 year old! I can't wait for her sugar to get back in alignment so that she can think more clearly. I know everyone deserves to live a little. But if she did this all of the time, she would have a very short life left. I love it when people say to me, "she's old - giver her what she wants". She won't get much older with that mentality. She is in very good health and I want to keep it that way. She is not denied anything. She is denied the kind of excess that she won't be able to recover from. But she's making it hard on a sista'!
Mommy & Me
I am a 41 year old married woman who is now living in a multi-generational household. My husband is 51 and my Mother is 73. She lives with me because in 2005 she had a stroke that rendered her paralyzed on her left side. She has full use of her brain and voice. So, we get along just swimmingly. My husband was really great in being supportive of me doing whatever was needed to take care of my Mommy.
My family is from Washington, DC and I live in Florida. So, there was a lot of commuting right after her stroke. My older brother (who was a nurse) and his wife (who is a nurse) moved back home to take care of Mommy for the first year after her stroke. I came home once a month to see how things were going because I was the one in charge of the finances and consultant on medical decisions. After a year and a half, my brother and his wife decided to go back to their lives. They told me that they could take Mommy with them. But, I thought it would be better if she was with me for a while. Medically and physically, it has been very good for her here in Florida. And we spend a lot of time each day laughing. She is a lot more engaged and she's a lot more mobile. We go out 2 or 3 time each week.
I work Mon - Fri and sometimes on weekends. So, taking trips out with Mommy is fun but takes some effort. My husband has retired from his first career and tries to live the life of leisure but at 51, he still works. He is a Chef. (yes, big ego and all) He does a fantastic job of cooking whatever Mommy wants for each and every meal. She calls him her "Genie" basically, because one day she saw him wrapped in a towel after a shower with his bald head gleaming in the lights of her bedroom doorway. But I think it's more because her wish is his command when it comes to mealtime. Whatever she asks for, he will make for her. It's a beautiful thing to watch.
As I continue to blog, I will have many questions for those of you who are in my situation. I have made quite a number of changes to my everyday life. None of which I regret. I love my Mom and my husband and I am very happy and settled with the decisions I have made in my life. But there are some very trying times too. And that's where I'm looking for input. More to come.
My family is from Washington, DC and I live in Florida. So, there was a lot of commuting right after her stroke. My older brother (who was a nurse) and his wife (who is a nurse) moved back home to take care of Mommy for the first year after her stroke. I came home once a month to see how things were going because I was the one in charge of the finances and consultant on medical decisions. After a year and a half, my brother and his wife decided to go back to their lives. They told me that they could take Mommy with them. But, I thought it would be better if she was with me for a while. Medically and physically, it has been very good for her here in Florida. And we spend a lot of time each day laughing. She is a lot more engaged and she's a lot more mobile. We go out 2 or 3 time each week.
I work Mon - Fri and sometimes on weekends. So, taking trips out with Mommy is fun but takes some effort. My husband has retired from his first career and tries to live the life of leisure but at 51, he still works. He is a Chef. (yes, big ego and all) He does a fantastic job of cooking whatever Mommy wants for each and every meal. She calls him her "Genie" basically, because one day she saw him wrapped in a towel after a shower with his bald head gleaming in the lights of her bedroom doorway. But I think it's more because her wish is his command when it comes to mealtime. Whatever she asks for, he will make for her. It's a beautiful thing to watch.
As I continue to blog, I will have many questions for those of you who are in my situation. I have made quite a number of changes to my everyday life. None of which I regret. I love my Mom and my husband and I am very happy and settled with the decisions I have made in my life. But there are some very trying times too. And that's where I'm looking for input. More to come.
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