What's The Worst They Can Say?

OK you guys!  I think I am getting the hang of this "living my best life" thing.  I have spent many of my 51 years on Earth living in fear.  Our parents taught us to have a "healthy fear" of suspected dangers. Look both ways before you cross the street.  Don't touch the stove because it's hot. Hold onto the handrail going down the steps when you are wearing your socks and DON'T RUN!  So, basically before I had developed my language skills, I had developed fears in my life.  Then, limitations were placed on me and I allowed them to anchor and take a firm hold.  Limiting thoughts such as," I can't run faster than the boys.", "Nobody wants to hear what I have to say.", "I'm not good at math." and "I need a boyfriend." became part of my vocabulary and part of who I was sure I was.

For me, it took a long time and a loving God for me to begin to embrace who I really am and what the truth about me really is.  All of the statements above that were perceived  by me to be true are false.  Yes, I don't NEED a boyfriend but I would LIKE to have one at some point. :-)  There is a good life for me and I am beginning to live it.  I create my reality with my thoughts, words and actions.  Just because something may have been true yesterday, does not make it true today (unless it is the word of God).  I am committed to learning and growing and I have been, actively for the last 12 years.  And as I apply the things that I have learned, it is becoming more evident that I am more willing to take what I would have considered as risks.  I am more willing to ask bold questions that challenge rather than questions that produce safe, easy answers.  I ask for access and knowledge that leads to access into places that are new for me.  What's the worst anyone can say?  NO.  I think I have heard NO enough to be able to handle it one more time without crumbling into a blubbering pile of worthlessness. 

So when you see me, I may look different and you might think it's my hair or my glasses.  But it's what's under that hair and what's behind those glasses that has changed. Romans 12 verse 2 of the Holy Bible will give you a little more insight.  Fear is not driving my actions or my decision-making.  Love is the motivation behind my actions.  Love for myself and love for those I come in contact with.  And frankly, love for myself may take me out of some social circles.  So, don't hate if we don't see each other as much as we used to.  It's all good.  I may just have to love you from a distance.  But I still have love for you.

All of the small actions I take are beginning to take shape into a bigger and better life.  There is a true transformation at hand.  And the evidence is on the way.  In three years, I am going to look back to 2018 and say, "WOW!  Look at how far I have come!".

It's Been 6 Months

Tuesday of this week marked 6 months since Mommy has been gone from this physical plane.  I am still cleaning out her room, her closet and dresser.  Still disbursing her items to those in need and those who can be blessed, even now, by her generosity.  I am still living with her personal items around me everyday.  At the same time, I am working on turning my house back into my house.  I re-arranged my bedroom to the way it was before I had to listen out nightly in case she needed something.  I got a new bed for myself and moved my old bed into her room to make it a guest room.

In order to make room for my bed to go in, I moved my shoe racks and my laundry hampers across the hall to the third bedroom.  Once my bed was in place, I looked across the hall to that room with my shoes so nicely lined up and thought to myself, “I could make this whole room my closet if I wanted to!”  Needless to say, I have yet to bring my shoes back across the hall.  I think the closet idea is in the works!

I have seen a lot of co-workers face-to-face recently who have called me “world traveler” because they see that I post from all sorts of locations monthly.  I have planned a trip for myself for 7 of the 12 months of this year.  But really, that’s who I am.  I love to travel and I tried to do as much of it as I could when I was a primary caregiver.  Like I have said before, when Mommy got her wings, I got mine too.  And we are both learning how to fly again.

I am making a lot of changes.  But they are changes that bring the real “me” back.  And honor my respect for myself, my body and this life that I have been given.  But I am only making changes as fast or slowly as I want to.  I refuse to be stagnant or to live in the past too much.  Because that does me no good and does not honor my Mom and the person that she helped mold me to be.  I am a lively, vibrant mover and shaker.  And I am always going to show it.  I also don’t feel any pressure to finish moving all of her belonging and be completely finished at any specific measure of time.  I will get to it when I get to it.  When I feel up to it and I can appreciate the work I am doing. Not dread it or be bummed out by it.  It’s like creating little projects for myself instead of one big ball of stuff that needs to be unraveled.  So, I will just do the medicine drawers one day.  And just do the dresser top another day.  And just go through jewelry at a different time.  I will get done eventually.

All in all, I am feeling pretty good about my progress and moving along at my own pace.  I still feel honored that I got to play a role in my Mom’s life over her last decade that was different from any other aspect of our relationship before her stroke.  I know she is at peace and I am enjoying peace too.

Starting to See Results

I think I am starting to feel a connection to working out regularly and being aware of what I should eat.  Notice, I didn’t say that I feel the connection to eating the right foods in the right portion sizes.  Because I am not all together there yet.  But I do understand that if I get it together, I could experience some greater success.  I am beginning to see the physical results of working out regularly.  It turns out that regularly for me has turned out to be 3 – 4 days a week for weights and cardio.  Daily, I am more cognizant that I feel better when I maintain the schedule that includes a workout with a trainer at the start of the week and a workout every other day on my own.  And now I am finding that I have to wear a belt with my pants again.  I am not seeing a lot of pounds dropping when I stand on the scale.  But I am noticing monthly that I have a lower BMI (less body fat).  And I have fewer jiggly spots.  I think I like seeing the physical changes and it makes it more motivating for me to keep going.

Adding to the mix

So I am at the 9 week mark of working with a dietician and I am beginning to grasp a new mindset.  I am starting to think in terms of food groups and portion sizes.  I still have to measure things in order to be absolutely sure that I am having the right amount.  The areas where I do the poorest at this are with creamer in coffee, full fat dressing on salads and popcorn.  The areas where I do the best with measuring is with ounces of lean protein and with how much of each grain I should be eating.  And I must say that I am incredibly awesome with measuring my veggies (that is when I eat them).  Sometimes my weekends do not include veggies.  I will get better at that.  I just know I will.

I am embarking on week 2 of going to the gym!!  I marched in there last week and plopped down some money for a membership and for 4 personal training sessions.  I think starting with the trainer was the BEST thing I have done for myself since increasing how much water I drink each day.  I realized that I could probably have lost another year by thinking that I was ready to go back to the gym and I would just know what to do when I got in there.  I think what stopped me from committing to exercise was just that; I did not know where to start when I got in the gym.  I am good at reading a map and at following directions.  So, when I got a written out plan of what to do each day that I go in the gym, I was relieved and empowered to move forward.  Next thing was to get my body on board.  So, in order to make sure that I have no conflicts with working out, I am going to the gym at a crazy early hour of the day like 6:30am.  I have to eat 30 minutes before I work out (which is 6am).  And I have to wake up and take medication that requires no eating for 30 minutes after taking it (so that's 5:30am).  Needless to say, my body clock was not very happy with this turn of events.  And I spent all of last week a little drowsy and cranky by the end of the day.  I started going to sleep a little earlier and consistently getting up early.  The only day that I didn't was on Sunday.  I slept in 2 hours later than I had for the rest of the week.

I did really well with my assessment and my first workout.  And by "well" I mean I didn't pass out or need the bucket like on The Biggest Loser".  I went home each day and got back in the bed for another hour after the workouts!  My muscles were really sore towards the end of the day.  I was not sure if I was going to be able to complete two more back-to-back days with that level of soreness and stiffness.  I massaged my muscles and took a hecka hot shower, took some Aleve and went to bed.  The next morning I was still sore and apprehensive about whether I was going to be able to support my own body weight doing things like planks, push-up's and lunges.  But I was able to.  And I found that my muscles, while engaged, were less sore.  They went back to aching when they were at rest.  And by my 3 days off for the week, the soreness went away.

I just started my second week and I feel that I did a lot better today working with the trainer than I did last week.  I was not defeated by any activity.  I was able to do them all and I had a challenge with each set I completed.  I think I am going to enjoy this new addition.  I am going to work with the trainer once a week for 12 weeks (10 more to go) and see where I land.  Hopefully, I will have a new habit established by then.

This week, I am going to be more diligent about measuring.  I am hoping to see some good results on the scale by week 3.  I know it takes a little while to balance out.  Muscles are expanding before they contract and they weigh more than fat.  Also being better hydrated makes it look like you are gaining but that's false.  So, I will stay the course, trust the process and put the work in.  HERE WE GO!!!!

The Struggle is Real

I find myself at a point that I never imagined myself in.  Not good or bad.  Just unexpected and my reality:

1.       50 years old and unmarried

2.       Living with and caring for my Mother for almost 10 years

3.       2 cats

4.       20 pounds over the weight where I am most comfortable

5.       Very mad at specific men that makes me not trust any man to get close to me

6.       Unhappy and disappointed in myself

7.       Not coping well with the loss that if feel and trying to ignore it everyday

There was a time when, even though I tried to fight it off and not let it in, the voices of others and how they defined me spoke to me louder than my own voice.  As I ended a bad marriage of 3 years, it took me almost 2 years until I was built back up again.  Only to allow myself to be defined 5 more significant times by people who had their best interests at heart, not mine.  The last time this happened was just in the past year.

So, as I took down the 2016 calendar where my goal was to lose 10 pounds over the course of the year, I looked at January – my starting weight.  Then, I looked at December – my ending weight and I had changed by 9 pounds.  But not by losing them.  I gained 9 pounds over the course of the year.  That made 3 years in a row where I had gained.  And then I realized that I have fallen out of love with myself.  I tell myself affirmations daily and I don’t hate on my body anymore in words or thoughts.  But I don’t think I believe or trust my self-talk to myself.  Somewhere in me, I lost respect for myself as I worked harder and did more for others than I would do on my own behalf.  I let myself down and I broke my own heart.

I have been trying to find a way to apologize to me and to commit to myself and forgive myself for my own contributions and actions in my past. And I think I really need to go back to square one.  Spend time with myself and my thoughts.  Allowing myself time to heal and to once again appreciate me and all the wonderful things I bring to the world.  I am valuable.  I am important.  I am smart.  I do have worth.  And none of this is determined by others.  And if no one else in the world sees this in me that does not mean that I should be silenced and take these gifts away from the world.  I need to bring my full self with me everywhere I go.  And I need to confidently speak up for myself everywhere I go.  My heart and my consideration and compassion for others will keep me from becoming an egotistical jerk.  So, I’m not out to get a big head but I don’t want to downplay myself for anyone else’s comfort.

It’s time to put me back on my priority list.  And I need to honor myself inside and out.  Consistency will be the key.  I can’t just be good to myself once a week.  I need to be good to me everyday.  I do this through the foods I eat, the water I drink, the walks I take, the books I read, the music I listen to and the things and people I say NO to in order to get to my ultimate goals – not being derailed by others.  And I will tell myself that I am truly sorry and I will believe it this time because I am my authentic and true self.  I will save myself a lot of hassle in the future when I open my mouth to say how I feel instead of opening my mouth to eat my feelings and bury them.  Taking a walk to clear my head may prevent me from not being able to fall asleep because of so much on my mind.  Writing all of this stuff down actually helps me to breathe better, deeper and stress dissipates.  Listening to music instantly changes my mood when outdated tracks start playing in my head.  I have been spending more time each day with God and this has been going on for most of 2016.  I have been reading the Bible and praying each morning (sometimes praying with the wrong focus for the wrong things – but I have also received Divine correction).  I have been listening more and recognizing and acknowledging the Holy Spirit as it works in my life.  And this is leading me toward scriptures that feed me just what I need when I need it.  So I am working on appreciating me – mind, body, soul. And being grateful for all that I have, all that I am and all that I bring to the world.

Caring for Family Caregivers

The company is born!  I am a successful business owner! (I will call it into being)  Caring for Family Caregivers is here to help other family caregivers know that they are not alone.  They have others that they can get information from and rely on.  And if they need individual help, I can take them on as a client and develop a personal care plan that they can follow to get control of their personal caregiving situation.

I am starting off small but I think that is probably for the best since I am the only employee.  But I believe I have everything I need to get this going.  I have mad a number of contacts.  And there tons more that I need to meet in order to bring the best information to the people who need it.  There are way too many of us for us to be in the dark and searching for answers to questions.  People just need to be linked in order to find the answers that already exist.  You don't have to re-invent the wheel and start from scratch for each and every thing that you do for the person that you are caring for.  90 million caregivers in the United States and most of them feel insolated and alone in their caregiving.  This has got to change.  And it can change right here.  Right now.

And can I take two seconds to say RESPITE.  Small intervals of doing what you like to do for yourself and nobody else does wonders for your mental and physical state of being. You cannot give what you don't have.  So, you have to re-charge.  You are important.  You do make a difference.  Many people don't know where they would be and what they would do without you.  So cherish yourself as much as others cherish you and honor your feelings and needs.  RESPITE is not a nice-to-have.  It's a gotta-have!  So, plan it or steal it or run out and get some!  I want to build some respite activities into the Caring for Family Caregivers package.  I am big into coupons and gift certificates for restaurants and local activities.  So, I want to have some of those to give to people so that they get some respite.  I am also a big sports fan.  So, I want to be able to give away tickets to a game every once in a while too.  It makes such a big difference when you can go cheer for a team and blow off some steam.  We are going to make this thing happen!  And our loved ones will be better for it.

Taking off the Training Wheels

I am so excited that my first wine event is happening tomorrow.  This idea was hatched from my brain about 5 years ago.  It was originally going to be part of a "Mommy and Me" get together where we kids would bring our Moms together for a little social gathering.  While the Moms were together talking about what Moms talk about, we kids would be out on the back porch sampling wines and spilling our guts.  There would be a handout to take home in the form of a card with a tip on it.  These cards would go in a box so that you would always have them when you needed them.  Because we are all about adding more to your toolbox.  So, from that idea comes tomorrow night's incarnation actually out at a local establishment.  It's going to be so cool!  I just can't wait!  I think getting out and meeting other caregivers really helps you to feel better about the job that you chose to do caring for someone in the first place. And it's really nice to get different perspectives on your current situation.  Sometimes people share insights that you may not have noticed.

So for the next 18 hours, I'm living for 5pm!!

Things Come Full Circle

As we come to the end of the Easter Season, I am reminded that all things will come full circle. It has been almost six months since I wrote a blog and I am just getting moving on the things that I spouted and touted that I would do for myself before the last set of holidays. But I have started at this point. 2 days in the gym, a little time to myself to reflect on all the good things in my life and I am on my way!

I send up prayers for my sisters who are hurting right now because of the loss of a job, home, the loss of a loved one, the loss of themselves or the loss of their self-respect. I am hoping that they will find their way through the dark back into the light. And remember that there are those around you who love you and want to help you and send you love and light.