Victory in Life and Death

I have to tell everyone who reads this that I know God works in my life and in the lives of those connected to me.  And God was the orchestrator of the way things went with my Mom's passing.  I don't think that we could have had a more loving, peaceful, harmonious atmosphere and experience than the one that we experienced.  And I am content, peaceful and I have a good feeling in my soul that we did everything in the best, loving interest of my Mom.  No regrets!

My family came together like never before and each one of us has a unique set of skills that we brought to the situation.  I did a lot of the communication to allow people who wanted to spend time and say their goodbye's to get there in time.  My brother was a supportive sounding board and has a way of connecting with people on a level that I just don't possess.  And my sister-in-law came in for one very critical day and used all of her nursing powers to make sure that Mommy had the best and most appropriate care and we had the best environment to spend time with Mommy right up until the end.

She was surrounded by friends, family, her Pastors and lots of love as her final journey from this world began at 2pm on Tuesday afternoon.  As midnight fell, the family decided we would go home to rest and come back in the morning.  Just as we were going to leave, my brother said that he wanted to stay.  So, my sister-in-law and I said goodnight to the two of them and we went home.  After 10 years with my Mom, it is only fitting and right to allow my brother to have his time with Mommy too.  Nothing could have been more perfect.  I slept so deeply and comfortably.  No tossing and turning.  No dreams.  No "to-do" lists running through my head.

At 6:02AM on Wednesday, November 1st, I heard my text message alert.  I checked the phone and saw these 6 words "I think she just slipped away".  I was in the hospital room by 6:18AM to say my very last goodbye to the best Mommy I have ever known.

As the day continued, Stevie and I went to have breakfast in one of Mommy's (and Daddy's) favorite restaurants.  We set an appointment with the funeral home.  My best friend joined us to do some of the heavy lifting for the day. We went and made arrangements for cremation.  We purchased thank you cards.  We reflected.  We talked to family members and friends who needed to be notified on Mommy's passing.  At about 4pm, I thought to myself, "I have seen her face for the last time."  It wasn't a sad thought.  It was a surprising thought.  We went to bed at about 9PM on Wednesday night completely exhausted from the day's events but completely content that we did the best that we could do for our Mom.

The thought that I woke up with on Thursday morning was that Mommy got her wings and I did too.  Both of us will have an adjustment time getting used to them.  But we will both learn to use them again and soar to new heights in joy and in victory.  Just like Mommy, I get a renewed freedom.  I can accelerate my dreams.  I can step out into the light and take a look around at what awaits me.  I can help more people and I can do it in person to hold someone's hand and walk them through tough times like some that I have experienced over the years.  I am excited about the future and sharing lessons I have learned with my Mom to others all over.

CCU

My Mom got moved to the critical care unit a few days ago.  The docs and nurses are really nice there.  We are getting straight answers to anything that we ask.  My brother came to town this weekend because we thought that my Mom was going to be having a heart procedure and he wanted to be here for that.  It turns out that she may not be strong enough for the procedure.  She's currently on a ventilator with lots of fluid still in her lungs.  There are lots of prayers going up for her.  I pray for her and I pray for me too.  I pray to be able to know what the right decisions are.  I pray to be able to hear her voice and carry out her wishes.  It's a really tough spot to be in both in the hospital bed and sitting along side of it.

I See You

My Mom is currently in the hospital.  She has pneumonia, congestive heart failure, aortic stenosis (narrowing of the aortic valve),  and lots of fluid in her lungs in addition to the pneumonia.  She is in the ICU and has been there for 3 days so far.  It is a long road to get rid of this nastiness.  And it seems I am way more patient than the patient.  She didn't even think she needed to go to the ER much less be admitted into the hospital or go to ICU.  So, needless to say, she is ready to go home every minute of every day.  Currently, she needs support to get deep breaths.  So, she is using a mask similar to a CPAP but the machine is bigger. It's called a Bi PAP.  The best thing for her is rest.  She needs to stay calm to heal.  But she is anxious when she is awake.  This is a very tough time for her and for me watching this unfold.  I know she can kick this even though there are a lot of things that are not in her favor at the moment.  As the infection goes away, I know she will get stronger.  It's hard to see her so uncomfortable.  It's hard giving updates to family and friends daily.  It's hard making a schedule that works.  It's hard knowing what the priority should be.  It's hard knowing where I should focus my attention.  It's hard to focus period.  My hours awake are really starting to outweigh my sleeping hours (not that they were ever really balanced.)  Sleep and prayer are the two most important factors for me and for Mommy.  As I am writing this at nearly 1AM, I am going to sleep now and start fresh tomorrow with prayer for the best direction.  More later...

Exactly What It Takes

It's getting very close to the time that I leave for vacation.  I want to be able to take a mental and physical vacation away from home with no caregiving responsibilities. There are a lot of things that I am going to do in order to be able to spend a care-free time on vacation and be completely present and in the moment.

I made arrangements 6 months ago with family members to come and stay with my Mom while I go away.  And this week, I confirmed that we are still on track with the plans.  Since I will be gone for 12 days, I needed two relatives to come for part-time each.  I will leave tips and hints, directions on where the chocolate stash is kept and a regular daily schedule document for them to refer to.  I will also leave the addresses for Mom's therapy location and our church so that they can take her while I am away.

I am going to load 2 med cases to cover two weeks of time.  In addition to family members, I have also done as much as I can (barring no emergencies) to make sure that all of the regular CNA's are in place to work on the days when I am gone. 

I am doing a menu plan for the whole 12 days and cooking and freezing dinners for 5 - 7 nights.

I am leaving a stash of cash for emergency pizza or Chinese food. 

I have stocked up on all supplies for personal care and made sure that all medications are in the supply needed. 

And I have to pay the bills for the month before I go.  If I don't everything for the month will have a late fee attached to it.  And we can't have that!!

More than all of this, it has been most important to keep my Mom abreast of the happenings and to remind her of when I will be gone and who is coming to stay with her.  And the second most important thing is convincing myself that everything will be fine.  I have done enough.  I have nothing to worry about.  The people at the house have got the helm.  I will be off duty with no worries.

It seems like a lot to be able to walk out of the house and have no worries.  But I really want that feeling of having no worries and I will go to great lengths in order to make that feeling happen because I need it and because I deserve it.  And it has been more than 10 years since I have had this opportunity.  There is no such thing as just taking off on a whim anymore.  Those days are long gone for a good, long while.  This trip is the closest I have come since 2005.  And this one sure wasn't just a whim.  It has taken, motivation, belief, planning, strategy and lots of help from many different people. And it is about to become reality.  I am so so ready!!!

So, I have a lot left to do.  But I am highly motivated to get stuff done and take the break that I deserve.  I will take lots of pictures to share with everyone. Ciao for now!

Two Years! Can you believe it!?

Over the years of taking care of my Mom, I learned an awful lot as I navigated through getting the right paperwork to get things done on her behalf, relocating her from MD to FL, selling her house, investing her money, learning how to get answers from medical professionals, making friends with the pharmacist, trusting home health agencies and workers, helping to create a social circle for her, helping to keep her motivated and engaged, working through emotions and frustrations that I had in expecting things from family members and friends.  I never thought that all of these changes would come upon a person and there would be no one resource to help guide you through these things.  I was lucky enough to have others who had been through similar situations share their experiences and key learnings with me to make my road a bit easier.  And from the very beginning, I felt that no one should have to do this alone; without a sounding board or someone to give them direction in getting started; someone to help sift through the many thoughts that arise of doubt and confusion about whether you can even handle being a caregiver.
As I found my voice in speaking up on behalf of my Mom, I also raised my voice to speak to others beginning their journey as family caregivers.  Instead of being a silent, solitary mass of individuals, I think we should be a visible, vocal community that supports one another and shares our good, bad and ugly in order to be better for those that we care for.  And that’s how Caring for Family Caregivers was brought into being.  I hope that I am living up to this purpose and serving the community well. 
As I start a new year with this company, I will continue to bring more efficiencies, education, information and support to family caregivers.  For those of you who have been on this journey with me, thank you for your belief in me and for your support of Caring for Family Caregivers activities.  Thank you for spreading the word that Caring for Family Caregivers exists and thank you for allowing me to serve you since 2015.  I am looking forward to bigger and better things in the future.

Starting to See Results

I think I am starting to feel a connection to working out regularly and being aware of what I should eat.  Notice, I didn’t say that I feel the connection to eating the right foods in the right portion sizes.  Because I am not all together there yet.  But I do understand that if I get it together, I could experience some greater success.  I am beginning to see the physical results of working out regularly.  It turns out that regularly for me has turned out to be 3 – 4 days a week for weights and cardio.  Daily, I am more cognizant that I feel better when I maintain the schedule that includes a workout with a trainer at the start of the week and a workout every other day on my own.  And now I am finding that I have to wear a belt with my pants again.  I am not seeing a lot of pounds dropping when I stand on the scale.  But I am noticing monthly that I have a lower BMI (less body fat).  And I have fewer jiggly spots.  I think I like seeing the physical changes and it makes it more motivating for me to keep going.

Real Change Takes Real Effort

I am coming to the end of the time that I have been working with the nutritionist.  I have all the tools I need to be successful in eating in a healthy, complete, nutritious, portion-controlled way.  So, it really is all up to me to do it.  I have not been as diligent as I can be with it.  But now that I am about to be released to continue on this journey alone, I need to put my practice into action instead of it just being theory.  I have also added exercise into the mix.  And I have had the same kind of feelings.  I think I want success to just happen.  I was not really willing to put in the kind of effort that would be considered EFFORT.  I think, for both of these components, I was just kind of going through the motions.  But I recognize that I need to step up my game and stop hiding with all the other people in the world who are ordinary and just walking through it.  I need to face the facts that: I am determined.  I can succeed in amazing ways.  I am not ashamed to be successful.  And I am not ashamed to be outstanding!!  For a week I have been wrestling with breaking out of the mold and really shining or just mixing in and being average and less than my fully realized self.  It's really not about being perfect.  It's about giving it all that I have for me - by me and not selling myself short or dumbing down for others to be comfortable.  I am making small gains now.  But big things are just around the corner.  I am coming to claim what's mine!! 

Adding to the mix

So I am at the 9 week mark of working with a dietician and I am beginning to grasp a new mindset.  I am starting to think in terms of food groups and portion sizes.  I still have to measure things in order to be absolutely sure that I am having the right amount.  The areas where I do the poorest at this are with creamer in coffee, full fat dressing on salads and popcorn.  The areas where I do the best with measuring is with ounces of lean protein and with how much of each grain I should be eating.  And I must say that I am incredibly awesome with measuring my veggies (that is when I eat them).  Sometimes my weekends do not include veggies.  I will get better at that.  I just know I will.

I am embarking on week 2 of going to the gym!!  I marched in there last week and plopped down some money for a membership and for 4 personal training sessions.  I think starting with the trainer was the BEST thing I have done for myself since increasing how much water I drink each day.  I realized that I could probably have lost another year by thinking that I was ready to go back to the gym and I would just know what to do when I got in there.  I think what stopped me from committing to exercise was just that; I did not know where to start when I got in the gym.  I am good at reading a map and at following directions.  So, when I got a written out plan of what to do each day that I go in the gym, I was relieved and empowered to move forward.  Next thing was to get my body on board.  So, in order to make sure that I have no conflicts with working out, I am going to the gym at a crazy early hour of the day like 6:30am.  I have to eat 30 minutes before I work out (which is 6am).  And I have to wake up and take medication that requires no eating for 30 minutes after taking it (so that's 5:30am).  Needless to say, my body clock was not very happy with this turn of events.  And I spent all of last week a little drowsy and cranky by the end of the day.  I started going to sleep a little earlier and consistently getting up early.  The only day that I didn't was on Sunday.  I slept in 2 hours later than I had for the rest of the week.

I did really well with my assessment and my first workout.  And by "well" I mean I didn't pass out or need the bucket like on The Biggest Loser".  I went home each day and got back in the bed for another hour after the workouts!  My muscles were really sore towards the end of the day.  I was not sure if I was going to be able to complete two more back-to-back days with that level of soreness and stiffness.  I massaged my muscles and took a hecka hot shower, took some Aleve and went to bed.  The next morning I was still sore and apprehensive about whether I was going to be able to support my own body weight doing things like planks, push-up's and lunges.  But I was able to.  And I found that my muscles, while engaged, were less sore.  They went back to aching when they were at rest.  And by my 3 days off for the week, the soreness went away.

I just started my second week and I feel that I did a lot better today working with the trainer than I did last week.  I was not defeated by any activity.  I was able to do them all and I had a challenge with each set I completed.  I think I am going to enjoy this new addition.  I am going to work with the trainer once a week for 12 weeks (10 more to go) and see where I land.  Hopefully, I will have a new habit established by then.

This week, I am going to be more diligent about measuring.  I am hoping to see some good results on the scale by week 3.  I know it takes a little while to balance out.  Muscles are expanding before they contract and they weigh more than fat.  Also being better hydrated makes it look like you are gaining but that's false.  So, I will stay the course, trust the process and put the work in.  HERE WE GO!!!!

Making ME a Priority

So, in January, I made a promise to myself to do better and be better when it come to taking care of myself. Well, the Universe is all in favor of this because in no time and without searching, I found a registered dietitian to help me get back on track. I scheduled and kept my last three doctor's appointments and I feel good that I put myself back on my own radar. But I don't want this to be obligatory. I don't want to give up on me because it's too hard to keep up with or I am too tired to do all of the prep work that comes with doing the right things or worse of all, I don't want to stop caring because it seems no one else cares. I am enough. Nobody else needs to put energy or emphasis on me or my well being except me. I am enough of a reason. I have to make me and my well being MY priority. If I can be meticulous about my Mom's schedule, then I can be just as meticulous with my own.

I used to think that I had to keep myself in shape in order to be able to help my Mom with her physical needs. Sure, it is true that I need strength and balance to help her. But I need to be in good shape so that I can live to the ripe old 81 that my Mom has made it to. And be just as inappropriate as she is because at 81, you can say what you mean and not worry how others are going to take it! So, I have to give care to myself as well as to others. It just takes a little planning (which I am good at) and a daily diligence and attention. I am with me everyday. So, I really should make the most of it.

So, I am re-learning how to eat the right foods in the right amounts. BTW, any food can be the right food. Don't get it twisted! This should be a forever change. Not a diet or quick fix. I just got off track by taking my attention away from me and what is important for me. I have spent the last 6 years basically in the same size clothing. So, I didn't get too off track. But those clothes have fit a number of different ways based on how my weight has fluctuated over the years. Now, I want them fit comfortably again.

I am concentrating on one thing at a time and hoping that in 3 months I will have all of the pieces in place and be back on the right road. So, this week, I am just trying to get used to how many servings from each food group I should eat each day. And trying my best to eat them all each day.  So far, I have only had one completely successful day. Over the weekend, I overindulged in wine and did not eat enough green veggies. Monday, I ate all of my veggies but I missed a serving of grain. Eventually, before the week is out, I will get it a better grip on it. Who knows, it may take 2 weeks or more before I really feel it is a part of me.  Seriously, it is not about being perfect but it is all about doing my best each day, learning more each day and applying it for a better tomorrow. And so, this is my attitude heading into the days to come. I feel that I am being true to myself and not being too critical of myself as I get my footing. I am hoping to find myself and be forgiving of myself as continue on this journey.

The Struggle is Real

I find myself at a point that I never imagined myself in.  Not good or bad.  Just unexpected and my reality:

1.       50 years old and unmarried

2.       Living with and caring for my Mother for almost 10 years

3.       2 cats

4.       20 pounds over the weight where I am most comfortable

5.       Very mad at specific men that makes me not trust any man to get close to me

6.       Unhappy and disappointed in myself

7.       Not coping well with the loss that if feel and trying to ignore it everyday

There was a time when, even though I tried to fight it off and not let it in, the voices of others and how they defined me spoke to me louder than my own voice.  As I ended a bad marriage of 3 years, it took me almost 2 years until I was built back up again.  Only to allow myself to be defined 5 more significant times by people who had their best interests at heart, not mine.  The last time this happened was just in the past year.

So, as I took down the 2016 calendar where my goal was to lose 10 pounds over the course of the year, I looked at January – my starting weight.  Then, I looked at December – my ending weight and I had changed by 9 pounds.  But not by losing them.  I gained 9 pounds over the course of the year.  That made 3 years in a row where I had gained.  And then I realized that I have fallen out of love with myself.  I tell myself affirmations daily and I don’t hate on my body anymore in words or thoughts.  But I don’t think I believe or trust my self-talk to myself.  Somewhere in me, I lost respect for myself as I worked harder and did more for others than I would do on my own behalf.  I let myself down and I broke my own heart.

I have been trying to find a way to apologize to me and to commit to myself and forgive myself for my own contributions and actions in my past. And I think I really need to go back to square one.  Spend time with myself and my thoughts.  Allowing myself time to heal and to once again appreciate me and all the wonderful things I bring to the world.  I am valuable.  I am important.  I am smart.  I do have worth.  And none of this is determined by others.  And if no one else in the world sees this in me that does not mean that I should be silenced and take these gifts away from the world.  I need to bring my full self with me everywhere I go.  And I need to confidently speak up for myself everywhere I go.  My heart and my consideration and compassion for others will keep me from becoming an egotistical jerk.  So, I’m not out to get a big head but I don’t want to downplay myself for anyone else’s comfort.

It’s time to put me back on my priority list.  And I need to honor myself inside and out.  Consistency will be the key.  I can’t just be good to myself once a week.  I need to be good to me everyday.  I do this through the foods I eat, the water I drink, the walks I take, the books I read, the music I listen to and the things and people I say NO to in order to get to my ultimate goals – not being derailed by others.  And I will tell myself that I am truly sorry and I will believe it this time because I am my authentic and true self.  I will save myself a lot of hassle in the future when I open my mouth to say how I feel instead of opening my mouth to eat my feelings and bury them.  Taking a walk to clear my head may prevent me from not being able to fall asleep because of so much on my mind.  Writing all of this stuff down actually helps me to breathe better, deeper and stress dissipates.  Listening to music instantly changes my mood when outdated tracks start playing in my head.  I have been spending more time each day with God and this has been going on for most of 2016.  I have been reading the Bible and praying each morning (sometimes praying with the wrong focus for the wrong things – but I have also received Divine correction).  I have been listening more and recognizing and acknowledging the Holy Spirit as it works in my life.  And this is leading me toward scriptures that feed me just what I need when I need it.  So I am working on appreciating me – mind, body, soul. And being grateful for all that I have, all that I am and all that I bring to the world.

Does a working Family Caregiver ever relax???

I wear a number of hats.  I have an employee hat.  I have a daughter hat.  I have a sister hat.  I have an entrepreneur hat.  And the relational hats of cousin, friend, neighbor and acquaintance.  But I think the most important at the moment is the family caregiver hat.  I always feel like there is a demand on me.  I always feel like there is something to be completed to be checked off of one of my many "to do" lists.  And if I am not doing something, I feel like I am a slacker.  I even schedule time with nothing on my calendar.  That is supposed to be my "down time'.  I actually had to have a friend of mine tell me it was ok to spend the weekend doing nothing. - meaning not reaching a new goal or crossing something off of my list.  I had to get permission to not feel guilty for just being myself for a short period of time.  I should probably self-regulate better than I am doing right now.  I feel like everything is piling up in every area.  So, I feel like I should be working every waking minute but I know that this is not good for me.  I need to take a different approach.  I need to allow myself to have a day off without feeling guilty as if I don't deserve downtime.  And I shouldn't have to have someone outside of myself confirm for me that it's OK to chill for a minute.  I think I need to more clearly define and set aside work time in order to clearly define and set aside off time.  And I need to be true to myself and speak my truth.  I am spending too much time doing things that really are not important to me just because I was asked.  So, instead of being 100% in the moment, I am thinking to myself, "I really should be doing something else right now".  So, I am creating this anxiety.  It's time to turn it off and shut it down.

Sitting here writing this blog is step one.  This is one of the things that I really should have been doing.  I know I am not the only person on the planet who feels like I am overwhelmed because I try to do too much and make others happy.  But I have to consider myself in this scenario and make sure I stay happy too.  And blogging (clearing my mind) makes me happy.  When I start the day doing something just for me (pray, reflect, write down my dream from the night before), I feel a lot better than days that I start with a fire drill of any kind.  It's hard to get back to my place of peace.  When I start on the "what do I have to do" path, it's hard to step off of it and I end up exhausted a the end of the day because I found many things to answer that question.

Yesterday, I sat down and organized bills first thing in the morning.  So, I am straight going into next month.  That takes a whole lot of stress off of me.  If I don't organize, everyday, it seems like I am playing catch up and I don't know where I stand on due dates or dollar amounts.  And then I feel bad for not organizing and I feel bad for not caring enough to organize and I feel bad because I am not being responsible. On and on and on.

So, I am talking myself off of the ledge and going back inside the window - no longer threatening to jump.  It's a way better feeling.  So, friends - I hope you understand if I decline a few of your offers to go out.  I will take a rain check hoping to catch you next time.  I am trying to do a better job of not spreading myself too thin.  Getting myself back on track and balanced. And to answer the question, "Does a family caregiver ever relax?", I believe the answer is YES.  But just like getting to Carnegie Hall, it takes practice, practice, practice.

Don't Lose Sight of your Dreams

That's it!  I am going to take a bold leap here.  I am going to move and shift my thinking from, "I want to do a trip to Greece for my 50th birthday." to "I am making plans to take MY 50th birthday trip to Greece!"  My birthday is in 6 months and many of my closest friends and people standing closest to me at parties have heard for the last decade that I want to take a trip to Greece for my 50th year.  As I stepped off of my last Royal Caribbean cruise a year ago, I grabbed the catalog for 2016 cruises.  Of course, since my birthday is in December, I wanted to go during my 50th year.  So, in essence, Spring/Summer of 2017.

This morning when I woke up all I could think of was, "Crap! My birthday is in 6 months!!  I have to plan a trip to Greece!!  I am not going to let this be a wish that floats on by.  I need to take action to make this happen!  And I don't care if I go all alone.  I AM GOING!!"

So as of June 30, 2016, I am starting a Greece savings account at my credit union.  I picked the cruise that I am interested in taking.  The dates on the ship will be 7/2-7/9/2017  And I want to spend 3 days touring around Rome since that's where the ship leaves and returns.  So, my itinerary is starting to form.  This is really happening.  Right now!   As I get more details, I want to open the opportunity for people who would like to join me on this journey.  Because I am so darn fun to hang out with and I know if you want to take this trip, you are fun too!

I think in almost every aspect of my life I am living my dreams and I want this to be my reality.  I thought in the past that I would have to put my life on hold while taking care of Mommy was my top priority.  Over the past 10 years, I have learned that I can have a full life AND be a family caregiver.  So, full steam ahead!  I will spend the first part of July 2017 in Italy and Greece and then come home to celebrate Mommy's 82nd birthday with her.  It is possible to do it all.  And if anyone can, it's me!

I will add more to the story over the next year of planning and I hope some of you will be with me as we celebrate.  There are only a few things that I have wanted for a long, long time that I have actually seen materialize.  So, I'm looking forward to this experience.  Let's do this!!!