The Struggle is Real

I find myself at a point that I never imagined myself in.  Not good or bad.  Just unexpected and my reality:

1.       50 years old and unmarried

2.       Living with and caring for my Mother for almost 10 years

3.       2 cats

4.       20 pounds over the weight where I am most comfortable

5.       Very mad at specific men that makes me not trust any man to get close to me

6.       Unhappy and disappointed in myself

7.       Not coping well with the loss that if feel and trying to ignore it everyday

There was a time when, even though I tried to fight it off and not let it in, the voices of others and how they defined me spoke to me louder than my own voice.  As I ended a bad marriage of 3 years, it took me almost 2 years until I was built back up again.  Only to allow myself to be defined 5 more significant times by people who had their best interests at heart, not mine.  The last time this happened was just in the past year.

So, as I took down the 2016 calendar where my goal was to lose 10 pounds over the course of the year, I looked at January – my starting weight.  Then, I looked at December – my ending weight and I had changed by 9 pounds.  But not by losing them.  I gained 9 pounds over the course of the year.  That made 3 years in a row where I had gained.  And then I realized that I have fallen out of love with myself.  I tell myself affirmations daily and I don’t hate on my body anymore in words or thoughts.  But I don’t think I believe or trust my self-talk to myself.  Somewhere in me, I lost respect for myself as I worked harder and did more for others than I would do on my own behalf.  I let myself down and I broke my own heart.

I have been trying to find a way to apologize to me and to commit to myself and forgive myself for my own contributions and actions in my past. And I think I really need to go back to square one.  Spend time with myself and my thoughts.  Allowing myself time to heal and to once again appreciate me and all the wonderful things I bring to the world.  I am valuable.  I am important.  I am smart.  I do have worth.  And none of this is determined by others.  And if no one else in the world sees this in me that does not mean that I should be silenced and take these gifts away from the world.  I need to bring my full self with me everywhere I go.  And I need to confidently speak up for myself everywhere I go.  My heart and my consideration and compassion for others will keep me from becoming an egotistical jerk.  So, I’m not out to get a big head but I don’t want to downplay myself for anyone else’s comfort.

It’s time to put me back on my priority list.  And I need to honor myself inside and out.  Consistency will be the key.  I can’t just be good to myself once a week.  I need to be good to me everyday.  I do this through the foods I eat, the water I drink, the walks I take, the books I read, the music I listen to and the things and people I say NO to in order to get to my ultimate goals – not being derailed by others.  And I will tell myself that I am truly sorry and I will believe it this time because I am my authentic and true self.  I will save myself a lot of hassle in the future when I open my mouth to say how I feel instead of opening my mouth to eat my feelings and bury them.  Taking a walk to clear my head may prevent me from not being able to fall asleep because of so much on my mind.  Writing all of this stuff down actually helps me to breathe better, deeper and stress dissipates.  Listening to music instantly changes my mood when outdated tracks start playing in my head.  I have been spending more time each day with God and this has been going on for most of 2016.  I have been reading the Bible and praying each morning (sometimes praying with the wrong focus for the wrong things – but I have also received Divine correction).  I have been listening more and recognizing and acknowledging the Holy Spirit as it works in my life.  And this is leading me toward scriptures that feed me just what I need when I need it.  So I am working on appreciating me – mind, body, soul. And being grateful for all that I have, all that I am and all that I bring to the world.

Caring for Family Caregivers

The company is born!  I am a successful business owner! (I will call it into being)  Caring for Family Caregivers is here to help other family caregivers know that they are not alone.  They have others that they can get information from and rely on.  And if they need individual help, I can take them on as a client and develop a personal care plan that they can follow to get control of their personal caregiving situation.

I am starting off small but I think that is probably for the best since I am the only employee.  But I believe I have everything I need to get this going.  I have mad a number of contacts.  And there tons more that I need to meet in order to bring the best information to the people who need it.  There are way too many of us for us to be in the dark and searching for answers to questions.  People just need to be linked in order to find the answers that already exist.  You don't have to re-invent the wheel and start from scratch for each and every thing that you do for the person that you are caring for.  90 million caregivers in the United States and most of them feel insolated and alone in their caregiving.  This has got to change.  And it can change right here.  Right now.

And can I take two seconds to say RESPITE.  Small intervals of doing what you like to do for yourself and nobody else does wonders for your mental and physical state of being. You cannot give what you don't have.  So, you have to re-charge.  You are important.  You do make a difference.  Many people don't know where they would be and what they would do without you.  So cherish yourself as much as others cherish you and honor your feelings and needs.  RESPITE is not a nice-to-have.  It's a gotta-have!  So, plan it or steal it or run out and get some!  I want to build some respite activities into the Caring for Family Caregivers package.  I am big into coupons and gift certificates for restaurants and local activities.  So, I want to have some of those to give to people so that they get some respite.  I am also a big sports fan.  So, I want to be able to give away tickets to a game every once in a while too.  It makes such a big difference when you can go cheer for a team and blow off some steam.  We are going to make this thing happen!  And our loved ones will be better for it.

Pushed to the Limits

My oh my!  Pushing the boundaries is a pastime for my Mom!  This week, she had lots of opportunities as she turned 80 on Tuesday, July 14th.  She had company in from home and she wanted to make the most of their time together.  On the first full day they had together, my Mom got up at 8am and stayed up and moving until 10pm with no nap or trip to relax in bed.  She took the week as the ultimate in eating everything bad and in excess.  Breakfast on her birthday was Corned Beef hash, grits, eggs and a biscuit.  All good for her birthday.  No problem there.  And no lunch because she was full until dinner.  Dinner was a loaded plate at a teppanyaki cook-at-the-table restaurant.  Leftovers were enough for dinner for the next 2 nights.   I have been trying to give her enough insulin for all of the dastardly things she will take part in.  But after she makes up her evil plans, she changes them in the middle of the frenzy.  Case in point - Olive Garden dinner.  Understood there would be breadsticks in the plan of attack.  A cocktail was also in the mix.  Dinner and dessert were chosen.  All good.  We did not order appetizers in order for dinner to arrive in a timely fashion.  Then, we could time the insulin shot to best match up with when the food was coming. First the drinks come.  A few sips and it's time for the insulin.  Many more units than she would typically need because of the hefty meal to come. Breadsticks arrive.  She has one with Alfredo dipping sauce.  Yummy.  Then another. - Danger Zone.  And before she can finish, she's asking for a third one!  I let her know we didn't come to the restaurant for a breadstick dinner.  We came for a complete meal.  #3 was split in half.  Then, the entrée - Chicken Parm and a side of spaghetti arrive.  She eats half of it in order to save room for the raspberry cheesecake that she planned on for her dessert.  Well, at breadstick 2.5, I think the insulin coverage attempt was foiled.  So, she was stuffy with a runny nose by the time she finished with the meal.  When she got her long-acting insulin, we pushed that up too in order to help the situation.  The next morning her waking blood sugar was 210.  FAIL!!!!

So she has a sensible breakfast and before her plate is cleared from the table she says, "There's Oreos in that cabinet over there."  As if!!!  What's the point in making it to your 80th birthday if you are going to kill yourself by the end of the first week as an 80 year old!  I can't wait for her sugar to get back in alignment so that she can think more clearly.  I know everyone deserves to live a little.  But if she did this all of the time, she would have a very short life left.  I love it when people say to me, "she's old - giver her what she wants".  She won't get much older with that mentality.  She is in very good health and I want to keep it that way.  She is not denied anything.  She is denied the kind of excess that she won't be able to recover from.  But she's making it hard on a sista'!

Are we there yet?

As Monday approaches, I have to ask myself if I am ready for what comes next. I am slightly hesitant because I can't see around the next corner but I am ready for the next phase to begin. I am ready to stop being frightened. I am ready to keep my own self-worth, self-importance and self esteem within my own grasp. I will not be carefree. I will be cautious but I won't be scared anymore. I just want to exhale but I can't yet. The task is not complete. But we are almost there. It's just a little further.

So, for the personal goal of losing weight and feeling better, I lost a pant size over the summer and I am ready to begin Yoga a few days a week to make my body strong and keep my mind open. I am starting to get enough energy to run a little too. That's fun. So, I look forward to more of that in the near future. This Fall will be an interesting balancing act but I can do it and be the better for it, I know.

God has helped me in so many ways in the last year. I am off of the medications that I was taking before. I only take one prescription drug now once a day down from 3. And my body is starting to react the way it should to the healing process. I am so thankful. Sleeping well is also a blessing. Loving myself and appreciating my situation in life is a source of honor for me. And wait for the finacial blessings to arrive!!! I have people who need help and I would love to be able to do it for them.

It's just a little further.

Work It Out!

I need some motivation. As the year wears on, I am wearing out. I need to get my big body out of bed in the morning and hit the ground running. I am more important than other pressing items around me. I need to take back my time and take care of myself because NO ONE ELSE is going to do it. There is enough time for everything if I just keep my head clear and stay focused on the tasks at hand.

I saw somebody that looked like my big brother yesterday. It was kind of weird. He had a similar bald head (but not as lumpy) and he walked just like him. It just made me think, "Hmm, it's been quite a while since I saw my brother walking around. Wow, I miss him."

See how sidetracked I get...

Alright, I will give myself a short-term goal. I will do more for myself from now until my birthday in December. A little cardio is good for the brain and the body. So, I'm gonna get some. Last weekend, on Saturday night, I danced like it was the early 80's with my neighbors. And that got the heart rate up. I even broke a sweat. I have a new book that I am starting to read that has to do with food and how the body processes what you take in. Maybe I will learn something.

It's also time to get those last few donations in for the year to get the tax benefits early next year. So, I'm cleaning out my closets and preparing to get some stuff out.

Be strong, stay strong, be healthy, be happy and be confident.