What's The Worst They Can Say?

OK you guys!  I think I am getting the hang of this "living my best life" thing.  I have spent many of my 51 years on Earth living in fear.  Our parents taught us to have a "healthy fear" of suspected dangers. Look both ways before you cross the street.  Don't touch the stove because it's hot. Hold onto the handrail going down the steps when you are wearing your socks and DON'T RUN!  So, basically before I had developed my language skills, I had developed fears in my life.  Then, limitations were placed on me and I allowed them to anchor and take a firm hold.  Limiting thoughts such as," I can't run faster than the boys.", "Nobody wants to hear what I have to say.", "I'm not good at math." and "I need a boyfriend." became part of my vocabulary and part of who I was sure I was.

For me, it took a long time and a loving God for me to begin to embrace who I really am and what the truth about me really is.  All of the statements above that were perceived  by me to be true are false.  Yes, I don't NEED a boyfriend but I would LIKE to have one at some point. :-)  There is a good life for me and I am beginning to live it.  I create my reality with my thoughts, words and actions.  Just because something may have been true yesterday, does not make it true today (unless it is the word of God).  I am committed to learning and growing and I have been, actively for the last 12 years.  And as I apply the things that I have learned, it is becoming more evident that I am more willing to take what I would have considered as risks.  I am more willing to ask bold questions that challenge rather than questions that produce safe, easy answers.  I ask for access and knowledge that leads to access into places that are new for me.  What's the worst anyone can say?  NO.  I think I have heard NO enough to be able to handle it one more time without crumbling into a blubbering pile of worthlessness. 

So when you see me, I may look different and you might think it's my hair or my glasses.  But it's what's under that hair and what's behind those glasses that has changed. Romans 12 verse 2 of the Holy Bible will give you a little more insight.  Fear is not driving my actions or my decision-making.  Love is the motivation behind my actions.  Love for myself and love for those I come in contact with.  And frankly, love for myself may take me out of some social circles.  So, don't hate if we don't see each other as much as we used to.  It's all good.  I may just have to love you from a distance.  But I still have love for you.

All of the small actions I take are beginning to take shape into a bigger and better life.  There is a true transformation at hand.  And the evidence is on the way.  In three years, I am going to look back to 2018 and say, "WOW!  Look at how far I have come!".

It's Been 6 Months

Tuesday of this week marked 6 months since Mommy has been gone from this physical plane.  I am still cleaning out her room, her closet and dresser.  Still disbursing her items to those in need and those who can be blessed, even now, by her generosity.  I am still living with her personal items around me everyday.  At the same time, I am working on turning my house back into my house.  I re-arranged my bedroom to the way it was before I had to listen out nightly in case she needed something.  I got a new bed for myself and moved my old bed into her room to make it a guest room.

In order to make room for my bed to go in, I moved my shoe racks and my laundry hampers across the hall to the third bedroom.  Once my bed was in place, I looked across the hall to that room with my shoes so nicely lined up and thought to myself, “I could make this whole room my closet if I wanted to!”  Needless to say, I have yet to bring my shoes back across the hall.  I think the closet idea is in the works!

I have seen a lot of co-workers face-to-face recently who have called me “world traveler” because they see that I post from all sorts of locations monthly.  I have planned a trip for myself for 7 of the 12 months of this year.  But really, that’s who I am.  I love to travel and I tried to do as much of it as I could when I was a primary caregiver.  Like I have said before, when Mommy got her wings, I got mine too.  And we are both learning how to fly again.

I am making a lot of changes.  But they are changes that bring the real “me” back.  And honor my respect for myself, my body and this life that I have been given.  But I am only making changes as fast or slowly as I want to.  I refuse to be stagnant or to live in the past too much.  Because that does me no good and does not honor my Mom and the person that she helped mold me to be.  I am a lively, vibrant mover and shaker.  And I am always going to show it.  I also don’t feel any pressure to finish moving all of her belonging and be completely finished at any specific measure of time.  I will get to it when I get to it.  When I feel up to it and I can appreciate the work I am doing. Not dread it or be bummed out by it.  It’s like creating little projects for myself instead of one big ball of stuff that needs to be unraveled.  So, I will just do the medicine drawers one day.  And just do the dresser top another day.  And just go through jewelry at a different time.  I will get done eventually.

All in all, I am feeling pretty good about my progress and moving along at my own pace.  I still feel honored that I got to play a role in my Mom’s life over her last decade that was different from any other aspect of our relationship before her stroke.  I know she is at peace and I am enjoying peace too.

Exactly What It Takes

It's getting very close to the time that I leave for vacation.  I want to be able to take a mental and physical vacation away from home with no caregiving responsibilities. There are a lot of things that I am going to do in order to be able to spend a care-free time on vacation and be completely present and in the moment.

I made arrangements 6 months ago with family members to come and stay with my Mom while I go away.  And this week, I confirmed that we are still on track with the plans.  Since I will be gone for 12 days, I needed two relatives to come for part-time each.  I will leave tips and hints, directions on where the chocolate stash is kept and a regular daily schedule document for them to refer to.  I will also leave the addresses for Mom's therapy location and our church so that they can take her while I am away.

I am going to load 2 med cases to cover two weeks of time.  In addition to family members, I have also done as much as I can (barring no emergencies) to make sure that all of the regular CNA's are in place to work on the days when I am gone. 

I am doing a menu plan for the whole 12 days and cooking and freezing dinners for 5 - 7 nights.

I am leaving a stash of cash for emergency pizza or Chinese food. 

I have stocked up on all supplies for personal care and made sure that all medications are in the supply needed. 

And I have to pay the bills for the month before I go.  If I don't everything for the month will have a late fee attached to it.  And we can't have that!!

More than all of this, it has been most important to keep my Mom abreast of the happenings and to remind her of when I will be gone and who is coming to stay with her.  And the second most important thing is convincing myself that everything will be fine.  I have done enough.  I have nothing to worry about.  The people at the house have got the helm.  I will be off duty with no worries.

It seems like a lot to be able to walk out of the house and have no worries.  But I really want that feeling of having no worries and I will go to great lengths in order to make that feeling happen because I need it and because I deserve it.  And it has been more than 10 years since I have had this opportunity.  There is no such thing as just taking off on a whim anymore.  Those days are long gone for a good, long while.  This trip is the closest I have come since 2005.  And this one sure wasn't just a whim.  It has taken, motivation, belief, planning, strategy and lots of help from many different people. And it is about to become reality.  I am so so ready!!!

So, I have a lot left to do.  But I am highly motivated to get stuff done and take the break that I deserve.  I will take lots of pictures to share with everyone. Ciao for now!

Two Years! Can you believe it!?

Over the years of taking care of my Mom, I learned an awful lot as I navigated through getting the right paperwork to get things done on her behalf, relocating her from MD to FL, selling her house, investing her money, learning how to get answers from medical professionals, making friends with the pharmacist, trusting home health agencies and workers, helping to create a social circle for her, helping to keep her motivated and engaged, working through emotions and frustrations that I had in expecting things from family members and friends.  I never thought that all of these changes would come upon a person and there would be no one resource to help guide you through these things.  I was lucky enough to have others who had been through similar situations share their experiences and key learnings with me to make my road a bit easier.  And from the very beginning, I felt that no one should have to do this alone; without a sounding board or someone to give them direction in getting started; someone to help sift through the many thoughts that arise of doubt and confusion about whether you can even handle being a caregiver.
As I found my voice in speaking up on behalf of my Mom, I also raised my voice to speak to others beginning their journey as family caregivers.  Instead of being a silent, solitary mass of individuals, I think we should be a visible, vocal community that supports one another and shares our good, bad and ugly in order to be better for those that we care for.  And that’s how Caring for Family Caregivers was brought into being.  I hope that I am living up to this purpose and serving the community well. 
As I start a new year with this company, I will continue to bring more efficiencies, education, information and support to family caregivers.  For those of you who have been on this journey with me, thank you for your belief in me and for your support of Caring for Family Caregivers activities.  Thank you for spreading the word that Caring for Family Caregivers exists and thank you for allowing me to serve you since 2015.  I am looking forward to bigger and better things in the future.

Starting to See Results

I think I am starting to feel a connection to working out regularly and being aware of what I should eat.  Notice, I didn’t say that I feel the connection to eating the right foods in the right portion sizes.  Because I am not all together there yet.  But I do understand that if I get it together, I could experience some greater success.  I am beginning to see the physical results of working out regularly.  It turns out that regularly for me has turned out to be 3 – 4 days a week for weights and cardio.  Daily, I am more cognizant that I feel better when I maintain the schedule that includes a workout with a trainer at the start of the week and a workout every other day on my own.  And now I am finding that I have to wear a belt with my pants again.  I am not seeing a lot of pounds dropping when I stand on the scale.  But I am noticing monthly that I have a lower BMI (less body fat).  And I have fewer jiggly spots.  I think I like seeing the physical changes and it makes it more motivating for me to keep going.