It's Been 6 Months

Tuesday of this week marked 6 months since Mommy has been gone from this physical plane.  I am still cleaning out her room, her closet and dresser.  Still disbursing her items to those in need and those who can be blessed, even now, by her generosity.  I am still living with her personal items around me everyday.  At the same time, I am working on turning my house back into my house.  I re-arranged my bedroom to the way it was before I had to listen out nightly in case she needed something.  I got a new bed for myself and moved my old bed into her room to make it a guest room.

In order to make room for my bed to go in, I moved my shoe racks and my laundry hampers across the hall to the third bedroom.  Once my bed was in place, I looked across the hall to that room with my shoes so nicely lined up and thought to myself, “I could make this whole room my closet if I wanted to!”  Needless to say, I have yet to bring my shoes back across the hall.  I think the closet idea is in the works!

I have seen a lot of co-workers face-to-face recently who have called me “world traveler” because they see that I post from all sorts of locations monthly.  I have planned a trip for myself for 7 of the 12 months of this year.  But really, that’s who I am.  I love to travel and I tried to do as much of it as I could when I was a primary caregiver.  Like I have said before, when Mommy got her wings, I got mine too.  And we are both learning how to fly again.

I am making a lot of changes.  But they are changes that bring the real “me” back.  And honor my respect for myself, my body and this life that I have been given.  But I am only making changes as fast or slowly as I want to.  I refuse to be stagnant or to live in the past too much.  Because that does me no good and does not honor my Mom and the person that she helped mold me to be.  I am a lively, vibrant mover and shaker.  And I am always going to show it.  I also don’t feel any pressure to finish moving all of her belonging and be completely finished at any specific measure of time.  I will get to it when I get to it.  When I feel up to it and I can appreciate the work I am doing. Not dread it or be bummed out by it.  It’s like creating little projects for myself instead of one big ball of stuff that needs to be unraveled.  So, I will just do the medicine drawers one day.  And just do the dresser top another day.  And just go through jewelry at a different time.  I will get done eventually.

All in all, I am feeling pretty good about my progress and moving along at my own pace.  I still feel honored that I got to play a role in my Mom’s life over her last decade that was different from any other aspect of our relationship before her stroke.  I know she is at peace and I am enjoying peace too.

Exactly What It Takes

It's getting very close to the time that I leave for vacation.  I want to be able to take a mental and physical vacation away from home with no caregiving responsibilities. There are a lot of things that I am going to do in order to be able to spend a care-free time on vacation and be completely present and in the moment.

I made arrangements 6 months ago with family members to come and stay with my Mom while I go away.  And this week, I confirmed that we are still on track with the plans.  Since I will be gone for 12 days, I needed two relatives to come for part-time each.  I will leave tips and hints, directions on where the chocolate stash is kept and a regular daily schedule document for them to refer to.  I will also leave the addresses for Mom's therapy location and our church so that they can take her while I am away.

I am going to load 2 med cases to cover two weeks of time.  In addition to family members, I have also done as much as I can (barring no emergencies) to make sure that all of the regular CNA's are in place to work on the days when I am gone. 

I am doing a menu plan for the whole 12 days and cooking and freezing dinners for 5 - 7 nights.

I am leaving a stash of cash for emergency pizza or Chinese food. 

I have stocked up on all supplies for personal care and made sure that all medications are in the supply needed. 

And I have to pay the bills for the month before I go.  If I don't everything for the month will have a late fee attached to it.  And we can't have that!!

More than all of this, it has been most important to keep my Mom abreast of the happenings and to remind her of when I will be gone and who is coming to stay with her.  And the second most important thing is convincing myself that everything will be fine.  I have done enough.  I have nothing to worry about.  The people at the house have got the helm.  I will be off duty with no worries.

It seems like a lot to be able to walk out of the house and have no worries.  But I really want that feeling of having no worries and I will go to great lengths in order to make that feeling happen because I need it and because I deserve it.  And it has been more than 10 years since I have had this opportunity.  There is no such thing as just taking off on a whim anymore.  Those days are long gone for a good, long while.  This trip is the closest I have come since 2005.  And this one sure wasn't just a whim.  It has taken, motivation, belief, planning, strategy and lots of help from many different people. And it is about to become reality.  I am so so ready!!!

So, I have a lot left to do.  But I am highly motivated to get stuff done and take the break that I deserve.  I will take lots of pictures to share with everyone. Ciao for now!

Hold on tight. Here we go!

I have heard that one touch of God's favor can put you years ahead in bringing you closer to your destiny.  Well, there is favor on my life.  I have a vision of what I want to create and where I want to be and what I want to do with my life. I have done two vision boards for this year - one in fhe first month of the year that laid things out generally and one done mid-year to sharpen the vision to the next set of things I want to achieve.  This week, I have started to see that vision materialize.

I am stepping into that vision.  I want to be a speaker to share my story and to help others who may have similar situations in their lives.  I want people to be empowered and equipped not overwhelmed and immobilized.  Yesterday and today, I have been given the opportunity to begin that journey.  In just 48 hours, I have received 4 opportunities to share my story and my mission with others on a large scale.  Just 3 months ago, I would have been overwhelmed by this even though it is what I desired.  But today, I embrace these opportunities and I can't wait to get started!  I feel like I am up to the task and I'm ready to be the person that can carry my message.  When you are better equipped to do your job, you make more confident decisions and you work from a place of empowerment.  You are happier and more relaxed.  In turn, the people around you are happier and more relaxed too and you have more peace of mind.

November is National Caregiver Month.  I will be very busy letting family caregivers know that even though it is sometimes a lonely and isolated place from which you do your work as a caregiver, you are not alone.  There is a community out here that can strengthen you and help you carry the weight of your load.  I feel the support of the community already.  And I am looking forward to sharing this with others all over Central Florida and beyond.

The theme for this year is respite.  It is a mental and physical break from the responsibilities of caregiving in which the caregiver gets to relax and recharge.  That break gives you renewed strength and energy to get back into your work rejuvenated.  It's not a dream.  It should be reality.  And it should be done on some sort of a regular basis.  There are as many different ways for respite as there are caregivers and each person knows what it takes to recharge their batteries.  My hope is to help as many as I can to open their minds and remember what jazzes them and let them know it's ok to do that for themselves. Ultimately, it helps the one they take care of too.  So cheers to you for the job you do and not losing yourself in the process!  Let's do this!!