Making ME a Priority

So, in January, I made a promise to myself to do better and be better when it come to taking care of myself. Well, the Universe is all in favor of this because in no time and without searching, I found a registered dietitian to help me get back on track. I scheduled and kept my last three doctor's appointments and I feel good that I put myself back on my own radar. But I don't want this to be obligatory. I don't want to give up on me because it's too hard to keep up with or I am too tired to do all of the prep work that comes with doing the right things or worse of all, I don't want to stop caring because it seems no one else cares. I am enough. Nobody else needs to put energy or emphasis on me or my well being except me. I am enough of a reason. I have to make me and my well being MY priority. If I can be meticulous about my Mom's schedule, then I can be just as meticulous with my own.

I used to think that I had to keep myself in shape in order to be able to help my Mom with her physical needs. Sure, it is true that I need strength and balance to help her. But I need to be in good shape so that I can live to the ripe old 81 that my Mom has made it to. And be just as inappropriate as she is because at 81, you can say what you mean and not worry how others are going to take it! So, I have to give care to myself as well as to others. It just takes a little planning (which I am good at) and a daily diligence and attention. I am with me everyday. So, I really should make the most of it.

So, I am re-learning how to eat the right foods in the right amounts. BTW, any food can be the right food. Don't get it twisted! This should be a forever change. Not a diet or quick fix. I just got off track by taking my attention away from me and what is important for me. I have spent the last 6 years basically in the same size clothing. So, I didn't get too off track. But those clothes have fit a number of different ways based on how my weight has fluctuated over the years. Now, I want them fit comfortably again.

I am concentrating on one thing at a time and hoping that in 3 months I will have all of the pieces in place and be back on the right road. So, this week, I am just trying to get used to how many servings from each food group I should eat each day. And trying my best to eat them all each day.  So far, I have only had one completely successful day. Over the weekend, I overindulged in wine and did not eat enough green veggies. Monday, I ate all of my veggies but I missed a serving of grain. Eventually, before the week is out, I will get it a better grip on it. Who knows, it may take 2 weeks or more before I really feel it is a part of me.  Seriously, it is not about being perfect but it is all about doing my best each day, learning more each day and applying it for a better tomorrow. And so, this is my attitude heading into the days to come. I feel that I am being true to myself and not being too critical of myself as I get my footing. I am hoping to find myself and be forgiving of myself as continue on this journey.

Does a working Family Caregiver ever relax???

I wear a number of hats.  I have an employee hat.  I have a daughter hat.  I have a sister hat.  I have an entrepreneur hat.  And the relational hats of cousin, friend, neighbor and acquaintance.  But I think the most important at the moment is the family caregiver hat.  I always feel like there is a demand on me.  I always feel like there is something to be completed to be checked off of one of my many "to do" lists.  And if I am not doing something, I feel like I am a slacker.  I even schedule time with nothing on my calendar.  That is supposed to be my "down time'.  I actually had to have a friend of mine tell me it was ok to spend the weekend doing nothing. - meaning not reaching a new goal or crossing something off of my list.  I had to get permission to not feel guilty for just being myself for a short period of time.  I should probably self-regulate better than I am doing right now.  I feel like everything is piling up in every area.  So, I feel like I should be working every waking minute but I know that this is not good for me.  I need to take a different approach.  I need to allow myself to have a day off without feeling guilty as if I don't deserve downtime.  And I shouldn't have to have someone outside of myself confirm for me that it's OK to chill for a minute.  I think I need to more clearly define and set aside work time in order to clearly define and set aside off time.  And I need to be true to myself and speak my truth.  I am spending too much time doing things that really are not important to me just because I was asked.  So, instead of being 100% in the moment, I am thinking to myself, "I really should be doing something else right now".  So, I am creating this anxiety.  It's time to turn it off and shut it down.

Sitting here writing this blog is step one.  This is one of the things that I really should have been doing.  I know I am not the only person on the planet who feels like I am overwhelmed because I try to do too much and make others happy.  But I have to consider myself in this scenario and make sure I stay happy too.  And blogging (clearing my mind) makes me happy.  When I start the day doing something just for me (pray, reflect, write down my dream from the night before), I feel a lot better than days that I start with a fire drill of any kind.  It's hard to get back to my place of peace.  When I start on the "what do I have to do" path, it's hard to step off of it and I end up exhausted a the end of the day because I found many things to answer that question.

Yesterday, I sat down and organized bills first thing in the morning.  So, I am straight going into next month.  That takes a whole lot of stress off of me.  If I don't organize, everyday, it seems like I am playing catch up and I don't know where I stand on due dates or dollar amounts.  And then I feel bad for not organizing and I feel bad for not caring enough to organize and I feel bad because I am not being responsible. On and on and on.

So, I am talking myself off of the ledge and going back inside the window - no longer threatening to jump.  It's a way better feeling.  So, friends - I hope you understand if I decline a few of your offers to go out.  I will take a rain check hoping to catch you next time.  I am trying to do a better job of not spreading myself too thin.  Getting myself back on track and balanced. And to answer the question, "Does a family caregiver ever relax?", I believe the answer is YES.  But just like getting to Carnegie Hall, it takes practice, practice, practice.

Keep Hope Alive

My Mom had a stroke in 2005 and from that time to the present, she has shared with me that she wants to walk again.  You see, she lost the ability to control her left side in her stroke.  The doctors went as far as to say that she has 'left-side deficit" - she doesn't notice that her left side is there.  over the years, she has made a conscious effort to recognize her left side.  And we do exercises and techniques that make her use her left side in her daily activities.

Her CNA's love her and they have for years.  They see my Mom as a sweet, gentle, funny old lady who needs help with her chocolate addiction.  I know my Mom is all of these things but I also know that she is more.  She is tough.  She is determined.  She is wise, cunning and highly intelligent.  When she worked for the US Government, her bosses boss was the Attorney General of the United States.  You don't just coast by on good looks and a smile at that level of the government.  I knew her when.  So, I can push her and I can motivate her.  And she can do the same for me. Even though most of her attempts to support me seem like sabotages to what I am trying to accomplish (but that's for another blog). 

My Mom gained some skills in rehab after her stroke.  She was able to walk with a hemi walker.  A hemi walker is like a cane but it has 4 legs that fold out on the bottom.  But when she came home from rehab, no one got her out of bed to practice walking with her and she lost the ability.  Her leg atrophied.  Her muscles got tight.  Her left foot won't touch the ground.  Daily stretching can help loosen things up.  But it hasn't brought her back to where she used to be.  And with her CNA's being so in love with her, she gets little to no practice at things that will help make her stronger.  As a group, they think it is easier for her to get dressed laying down.  When she sits up, they whisk her into her wheelchair.  I take a different approach.  I have her sit on the side of the bed to get dressed so that she gets the practice of holding herself up unassisted.  Building up her stamina.  And when we do a transfer from the bed to the chair, we stand, pivot and sit.  If she doesn't help in the process, the process stops and we start over.  Even sitting back in her wheelchair is different.  The girls will lift her from behind, under her arms.  I will stand in front of her and support her back while she pushes herself back in the chair.  We leave one foot rest off of the chair so that she can propel herself through the house.  But the girls will still push her from room to room.  So the cushy life that she leads is taking away her ability to do things for herself.  At this point, she is winded after standing for 10 seconds.  Her brain tells her "You have to sit down!!!".

So, she gets a shot at rehab about once a year.  She sets a goal.  She gets 30 days to try to make progress towards that goal.  And in 30 days if significant gains are not made, her rehab has to end and she can re-apply in 6 months.  It's very disheartening, frustrating and very sad.  It's hard to frame it up for her too so that it doesn't seem like a failure.  This is what it is like when using Medicare benefits for rehabilitation services.

For years, I have been trying to find a physical therapist who would work private.  Or one who would work private and make home visits.  Or a personal trainer who would help at home with strength training.  Because of her cushy life, my Mom really does like getting some good physical activity in.  She enjoys the foot and hand bikes.  She enjoys practicing standing using the kitchen sink.  But she will fight you on a walk around the block.  She will say she wants to go and by the time we are 2 houses away, she's ready to come back.  There's nothing better than a busy day when she can fall asleep by 10pm because she is tired from doing things all day.

So, this past week, we attended a luncheon for stroke survivors and there was a presentation by a company called CORE.  They specialize in helping people get back from paralysis to walking unassisted and other improvements in daily living.  They believe that with lots of practice and cues being sent to the brain from a number of different sources, the body will remember how to function in it's original state.  So, every visit to CORE is work!  Work that leads to a goal.  A goal that is attainable.  And you can work at it as long as it takes. They are private pay at $90 per hour-long session.  Mommy can see the benefits of going.  She has agreed to take a tour.  But she hasn't decided whole-heartedly that she is ready to do it.  Because she can see that it will be work.  But once she sees all of the buff physiologists there, I think she will be on board.  She responds so much better and will try harder if she knows a cute guy is counting on her to succeed. Go figure!

I am so hopeful for her future.  I would love to see her reach her goal.  Most of the time, when there is big change, there is big resistance from some area to try to stop the big blessing from happening.  I am on the lookout.  But this time, she can have her dream.  She will have to work for it.  But it can be hers.  I have had visions already of her standing and taking steps again. This will help all of us who come in contact with her.  It will make some areas of care easier.  It will make her world bigger again with fewer limits.  It may mean that I will have to hide the sugar-free chocolates better in the house too.  And she will be a walking testimony to encourage so many.

I look forward to sharing her journey with you.

Don't Lose Sight of your Dreams

That's it!  I am going to take a bold leap here.  I am going to move and shift my thinking from, "I want to do a trip to Greece for my 50th birthday." to "I am making plans to take MY 50th birthday trip to Greece!"  My birthday is in 6 months and many of my closest friends and people standing closest to me at parties have heard for the last decade that I want to take a trip to Greece for my 50th year.  As I stepped off of my last Royal Caribbean cruise a year ago, I grabbed the catalog for 2016 cruises.  Of course, since my birthday is in December, I wanted to go during my 50th year.  So, in essence, Spring/Summer of 2017.

This morning when I woke up all I could think of was, "Crap! My birthday is in 6 months!!  I have to plan a trip to Greece!!  I am not going to let this be a wish that floats on by.  I need to take action to make this happen!  And I don't care if I go all alone.  I AM GOING!!"

So as of June 30, 2016, I am starting a Greece savings account at my credit union.  I picked the cruise that I am interested in taking.  The dates on the ship will be 7/2-7/9/2017  And I want to spend 3 days touring around Rome since that's where the ship leaves and returns.  So, my itinerary is starting to form.  This is really happening.  Right now!   As I get more details, I want to open the opportunity for people who would like to join me on this journey.  Because I am so darn fun to hang out with and I know if you want to take this trip, you are fun too!

I think in almost every aspect of my life I am living my dreams and I want this to be my reality.  I thought in the past that I would have to put my life on hold while taking care of Mommy was my top priority.  Over the past 10 years, I have learned that I can have a full life AND be a family caregiver.  So, full steam ahead!  I will spend the first part of July 2017 in Italy and Greece and then come home to celebrate Mommy's 82nd birthday with her.  It is possible to do it all.  And if anyone can, it's me!

I will add more to the story over the next year of planning and I hope some of you will be with me as we celebrate.  There are only a few things that I have wanted for a long, long time that I have actually seen materialize.  So, I'm looking forward to this experience.  Let's do this!!!

Caring for Family Caregivers

The company is born!  I am a successful business owner! (I will call it into being)  Caring for Family Caregivers is here to help other family caregivers know that they are not alone.  They have others that they can get information from and rely on.  And if they need individual help, I can take them on as a client and develop a personal care plan that they can follow to get control of their personal caregiving situation.

I am starting off small but I think that is probably for the best since I am the only employee.  But I believe I have everything I need to get this going.  I have mad a number of contacts.  And there tons more that I need to meet in order to bring the best information to the people who need it.  There are way too many of us for us to be in the dark and searching for answers to questions.  People just need to be linked in order to find the answers that already exist.  You don't have to re-invent the wheel and start from scratch for each and every thing that you do for the person that you are caring for.  90 million caregivers in the United States and most of them feel insolated and alone in their caregiving.  This has got to change.  And it can change right here.  Right now.

And can I take two seconds to say RESPITE.  Small intervals of doing what you like to do for yourself and nobody else does wonders for your mental and physical state of being. You cannot give what you don't have.  So, you have to re-charge.  You are important.  You do make a difference.  Many people don't know where they would be and what they would do without you.  So cherish yourself as much as others cherish you and honor your feelings and needs.  RESPITE is not a nice-to-have.  It's a gotta-have!  So, plan it or steal it or run out and get some!  I want to build some respite activities into the Caring for Family Caregivers package.  I am big into coupons and gift certificates for restaurants and local activities.  So, I want to have some of those to give to people so that they get some respite.  I am also a big sports fan.  So, I want to be able to give away tickets to a game every once in a while too.  It makes such a big difference when you can go cheer for a team and blow off some steam.  We are going to make this thing happen!  And our loved ones will be better for it.