OK you guys! I think I am getting the hang of this "living my best life" thing. I have spent many of my 51 years on Earth living in fear. Our parents taught us to have a "healthy fear" of suspected dangers. Look both ways before you cross the street. Don't touch the stove because it's hot. Hold onto the handrail going down the steps when you are wearing your socks and DON'T RUN! So, basically before I had developed my language skills, I had developed fears in my life. Then, limitations were placed on me and I allowed them to anchor and take a firm hold. Limiting thoughts such as," I can't run faster than the boys.", "Nobody wants to hear what I have to say.", "I'm not good at math." and "I need a boyfriend." became part of my vocabulary and part of who I was sure I was.
For me, it took a long time and a loving God for me to begin to embrace who I really am and what the truth about me really is. All of the statements above that were perceived by me to be true are false. Yes, I don't NEED a boyfriend but I would LIKE to have one at some point. :-) There is a good life for me and I am beginning to live it. I create my reality with my thoughts, words and actions. Just because something may have been true yesterday, does not make it true today (unless it is the word of God). I am committed to learning and growing and I have been, actively for the last 12 years. And as I apply the things that I have learned, it is becoming more evident that I am more willing to take what I would have considered as risks. I am more willing to ask bold questions that challenge rather than questions that produce safe, easy answers. I ask for access and knowledge that leads to access into places that are new for me. What's the worst anyone can say? NO. I think I have heard NO enough to be able to handle it one more time without crumbling into a blubbering pile of worthlessness.
So when you see me, I may look different and you might think it's my hair or my glasses. But it's what's under that hair and what's behind those glasses that has changed. Romans 12 verse 2 of the Holy Bible will give you a little more insight. Fear is not driving my actions or my decision-making. Love is the motivation behind my actions. Love for myself and love for those I come in contact with. And frankly, love for myself may take me out of some social circles. So, don't hate if we don't see each other as much as we used to. It's all good. I may just have to love you from a distance. But I still have love for you.
All of the small actions I take are beginning to take shape into a bigger and better life. There is a true transformation at hand. And the evidence is on the way. In three years, I am going to look back to 2018 and say, "WOW! Look at how far I have come!".
Time Marches On
This weekend will be my first Mothers Day without my Mom being able to receive a balloon and a card. The first one that I don't make her whatever she wants to eat. The first one in many years that I will not buy her a new outfit. I will remember her fondly and the many things that she did and said to me to make me feel special. I will remember her style and her smile. Her sense of humor and the sound of her laughter.
I am going to be with the rest of my family during this time because we have so much to celebrate. My oldest nephew is graduating from law school. His sister will celebrate a birthday next week. I have another nephew graduating from high school in the next 2 weeks. And I am always in celebration mode when I am around my great niece. She is an 18 month old ball of energy and attitude. I love all of my family so much. But with all of this happiness, my heart breaks that my Mom isn't physically here to be a part of the party. She loved a good party. And tried to never miss a good one.
I know in my heart and soul, that each time we smile and each time we cry and each time we embrace and share our love, my Mom is there with us. And it will all be ok. I hope I can help the young ones to feel the love and share laughter while they feel the loss. It's so good that we will be together and so sucks that we will feel the big hole left with both matriarchs missing. I am preparing to be unprepared for this ebb and flow of emotions. And I will just roll with it. I have never been in this space before so whatever happens is just fine. It's time to take it easy on myself once again while looking forward to the whole experience.
I am going to be with the rest of my family during this time because we have so much to celebrate. My oldest nephew is graduating from law school. His sister will celebrate a birthday next week. I have another nephew graduating from high school in the next 2 weeks. And I am always in celebration mode when I am around my great niece. She is an 18 month old ball of energy and attitude. I love all of my family so much. But with all of this happiness, my heart breaks that my Mom isn't physically here to be a part of the party. She loved a good party. And tried to never miss a good one.
I know in my heart and soul, that each time we smile and each time we cry and each time we embrace and share our love, my Mom is there with us. And it will all be ok. I hope I can help the young ones to feel the love and share laughter while they feel the loss. It's so good that we will be together and so sucks that we will feel the big hole left with both matriarchs missing. I am preparing to be unprepared for this ebb and flow of emotions. And I will just roll with it. I have never been in this space before so whatever happens is just fine. It's time to take it easy on myself once again while looking forward to the whole experience.
It's Been 6 Months
Tuesday of this week marked 6 months since Mommy has been
gone from this physical plane. I am
still cleaning out her room, her closet and dresser. Still disbursing her items to those in need
and those who can be blessed, even now, by her generosity. I am still living with her personal items
around me everyday. At the same time, I
am working on turning my house back into my
house. I re-arranged my bedroom to the
way it was before I had to listen out nightly in case she needed
something. I got a new bed for myself
and moved my old bed into her room to make it a guest room.
In order to make room for my bed to go in, I moved my shoe
racks and my laundry hampers across the hall to the third bedroom. Once my bed was in place, I looked across the
hall to that room with my shoes so nicely lined up and thought to myself, “I
could make this whole room my closet if I wanted to!” Needless to say, I have yet to bring my shoes
back across the hall. I think the closet
idea is in the works!
I have seen a lot of co-workers face-to-face recently who
have called me “world traveler” because they see that I post from all sorts of
locations monthly. I have planned a trip
for myself for 7 of the 12 months of this year.
But really, that’s who I am. I
love to travel and I tried to do as much of it as I could when I was a primary
caregiver. Like I have said before, when
Mommy got her wings, I got mine too. And
we are both learning how to fly again.
I am making a lot of changes. But they are changes that bring the real “me”
back. And honor my respect for myself,
my body and this life that I have been given.
But I am only making changes as fast or slowly as I want to. I refuse to be stagnant or to live in the
past too much. Because that does me no
good and does not honor my Mom and the person that she helped mold me to
be. I am a lively, vibrant mover and
shaker. And I am always going to show
it. I also don’t feel any pressure to
finish moving all of her belonging and be completely finished at any specific
measure of time. I will get to it when I
get to it. When I feel up to it and I
can appreciate the work I am doing. Not dread it or be bummed out by it. It’s like creating little projects for myself
instead of one big ball of stuff that needs to be unraveled. So, I will just do the medicine drawers one
day. And just do the dresser top another
day. And just go through jewelry at a
different time. I will get done
eventually.
All in all, I am feeling pretty good about my progress and
moving along at my own pace. I still
feel honored that I got to play a role in my Mom’s life over her last decade
that was different from any other aspect of our relationship before her stroke. I know she is at peace and I am enjoying peace too.
Victory in Life and Death
I have to tell everyone who reads this that I know God works in my life and in the lives of those connected to me. And God was the orchestrator of the way things went with my Mom's passing. I don't think that we could have had a more loving, peaceful, harmonious atmosphere and experience than the one that we experienced. And I am content, peaceful and I have a good feeling in my soul that we did everything in the best, loving interest of my Mom. No regrets!
My family came together like never before and each one of us has a unique set of skills that we brought to the situation. I did a lot of the communication to allow people who wanted to spend time and say their goodbye's to get there in time. My brother was a supportive sounding board and has a way of connecting with people on a level that I just don't possess. And my sister-in-law came in for one very critical day and used all of her nursing powers to make sure that Mommy had the best and most appropriate care and we had the best environment to spend time with Mommy right up until the end.
She was surrounded by friends, family, her Pastors and lots of love as her final journey from this world began at 2pm on Tuesday afternoon. As midnight fell, the family decided we would go home to rest and come back in the morning. Just as we were going to leave, my brother said that he wanted to stay. So, my sister-in-law and I said goodnight to the two of them and we went home. After 10 years with my Mom, it is only fitting and right to allow my brother to have his time with Mommy too. Nothing could have been more perfect. I slept so deeply and comfortably. No tossing and turning. No dreams. No "to-do" lists running through my head.
At 6:02AM on Wednesday, November 1st, I heard my text message alert. I checked the phone and saw these 6 words "I think she just slipped away". I was in the hospital room by 6:18AM to say my very last goodbye to the best Mommy I have ever known.
As the day continued, Stevie and I went to have breakfast in one of Mommy's (and Daddy's) favorite restaurants. We set an appointment with the funeral home. My best friend joined us to do some of the heavy lifting for the day. We went and made arrangements for cremation. We purchased thank you cards. We reflected. We talked to family members and friends who needed to be notified on Mommy's passing. At about 4pm, I thought to myself, "I have seen her face for the last time." It wasn't a sad thought. It was a surprising thought. We went to bed at about 9PM on Wednesday night completely exhausted from the day's events but completely content that we did the best that we could do for our Mom.
The thought that I woke up with on Thursday morning was that Mommy got her wings and I did too. Both of us will have an adjustment time getting used to them. But we will both learn to use them again and soar to new heights in joy and in victory. Just like Mommy, I get a renewed freedom. I can accelerate my dreams. I can step out into the light and take a look around at what awaits me. I can help more people and I can do it in person to hold someone's hand and walk them through tough times like some that I have experienced over the years. I am excited about the future and sharing lessons I have learned with my Mom to others all over.
My family came together like never before and each one of us has a unique set of skills that we brought to the situation. I did a lot of the communication to allow people who wanted to spend time and say their goodbye's to get there in time. My brother was a supportive sounding board and has a way of connecting with people on a level that I just don't possess. And my sister-in-law came in for one very critical day and used all of her nursing powers to make sure that Mommy had the best and most appropriate care and we had the best environment to spend time with Mommy right up until the end.
She was surrounded by friends, family, her Pastors and lots of love as her final journey from this world began at 2pm on Tuesday afternoon. As midnight fell, the family decided we would go home to rest and come back in the morning. Just as we were going to leave, my brother said that he wanted to stay. So, my sister-in-law and I said goodnight to the two of them and we went home. After 10 years with my Mom, it is only fitting and right to allow my brother to have his time with Mommy too. Nothing could have been more perfect. I slept so deeply and comfortably. No tossing and turning. No dreams. No "to-do" lists running through my head.
At 6:02AM on Wednesday, November 1st, I heard my text message alert. I checked the phone and saw these 6 words "I think she just slipped away". I was in the hospital room by 6:18AM to say my very last goodbye to the best Mommy I have ever known.
As the day continued, Stevie and I went to have breakfast in one of Mommy's (and Daddy's) favorite restaurants. We set an appointment with the funeral home. My best friend joined us to do some of the heavy lifting for the day. We went and made arrangements for cremation. We purchased thank you cards. We reflected. We talked to family members and friends who needed to be notified on Mommy's passing. At about 4pm, I thought to myself, "I have seen her face for the last time." It wasn't a sad thought. It was a surprising thought. We went to bed at about 9PM on Wednesday night completely exhausted from the day's events but completely content that we did the best that we could do for our Mom.
The thought that I woke up with on Thursday morning was that Mommy got her wings and I did too. Both of us will have an adjustment time getting used to them. But we will both learn to use them again and soar to new heights in joy and in victory. Just like Mommy, I get a renewed freedom. I can accelerate my dreams. I can step out into the light and take a look around at what awaits me. I can help more people and I can do it in person to hold someone's hand and walk them through tough times like some that I have experienced over the years. I am excited about the future and sharing lessons I have learned with my Mom to others all over.
Won't He do it!?
I just have to take a moment and explain what I have experienced spiritually over the past week. I have been a bit stressed (as you can imagine) with the race against time that it seems that my Mom is involved in. The catch 22 between aggressively working to clear the fluid from her lungs to help her breathe on her own and the toll that it could take on heart if they were too aggressive and getting her safely off the ventilator before permanent damage occurs.. So I have had a specific order in mind of how things wold need to go. Cardiology had an idea too of what they needed to see before they would consider her for the heart procedure that she needed. The doc told us weeks ago that unless he saw more activity and awareness from her and clearing up of her infection, she would not be a candidate for the procedure. He continued, talking right over her, to explain all of the complications with the procedure that could lead to another stroke if there were calcifications, death if the aortic valve was ripped in the process, possible need for blood transfusion, and so on and so on. This same doc only came back 2 more times with doom and gloom and the expectation that Mommy was supposed to snap to when he was around. He spoke very loudly when he addressed her (like that would get her to respond to him). And on his last visit, he just asked us "how is she today?" Right over her again like she wasn't even there. So I asked her, "how are you today, Mommy?" And she answered me and he heard the answer. Needless to say, we did not like him much. So from that point on, another member of his team had been assigned to monitor my Mom. That was about 2 weeks ago. The other members of the team were nicer, less self-centered and more patient-centered.
So, I had been praying for Mommy's lungs to be clear of fluid. And for her to be restored. And for it to be quick. And for me to be patient so that God could be God and handle Mommy's case but for God to hurry up. And for God to kick the devil in his butt and get him out of here. And then, I felt like I should do what I am here for and turn everything thing else over to God. Just concentrate on what I am here for. To be the voice of the voiceless person in the hospital bed that I love dearly. To make sure that her wishes are known and acted upon. And to encourage people and to come from a place of joy and love in all of my interactions in this place. That is all.
Yesterday I got a phone call from inside the hospital while I was in the cardiac waiting room (also in the hospital). It was the doc who had been so negative about Mommy being able to have a heart procedure. He explained to me that she was scheduled for the procedure the very next day. Today! He then went over, one more time, all of the things that could go wrong. But said if we understood, he was ready to do it. And I thought to myself:
1. This is really sudden.
2. This is the guy that said she didn't qualify and was really unpleasant about it.
3. Wow! There's no way that we could have orchestrated this twist.
4. Look what happens when you do what you can and God does what only He can!
The procedure went well today and the doc came out encouraged. No blockages. He increased the opening through which blood passes about 40% and says that it should last about six months. Long enough for her to continue to recover and be a candidate for the more permanent procedure. And he said with a smile, "I am encouraged." All I can think is that God will use who he wants to use for your good. He will change the hearts and minds of who He wants to change to make things happen for those who are faithful. Won't He do it!? I am so grateful that He will and He does!!
So, I had been praying for Mommy's lungs to be clear of fluid. And for her to be restored. And for it to be quick. And for me to be patient so that God could be God and handle Mommy's case but for God to hurry up. And for God to kick the devil in his butt and get him out of here. And then, I felt like I should do what I am here for and turn everything thing else over to God. Just concentrate on what I am here for. To be the voice of the voiceless person in the hospital bed that I love dearly. To make sure that her wishes are known and acted upon. And to encourage people and to come from a place of joy and love in all of my interactions in this place. That is all.
Yesterday I got a phone call from inside the hospital while I was in the cardiac waiting room (also in the hospital). It was the doc who had been so negative about Mommy being able to have a heart procedure. He explained to me that she was scheduled for the procedure the very next day. Today! He then went over, one more time, all of the things that could go wrong. But said if we understood, he was ready to do it. And I thought to myself:
1. This is really sudden.
2. This is the guy that said she didn't qualify and was really unpleasant about it.
3. Wow! There's no way that we could have orchestrated this twist.
4. Look what happens when you do what you can and God does what only He can!
The procedure went well today and the doc came out encouraged. No blockages. He increased the opening through which blood passes about 40% and says that it should last about six months. Long enough for her to continue to recover and be a candidate for the more permanent procedure. And he said with a smile, "I am encouraged." All I can think is that God will use who he wants to use for your good. He will change the hearts and minds of who He wants to change to make things happen for those who are faithful. Won't He do it!? I am so grateful that He will and He does!!
Things I see and feel today
It is a very interesting time right now. Mommy is in CCU. Cardiac Care unit. Critical Care unit is how it feels. Life and death decisions are being made here everyday. In some ways, I don't think we need to be here. She still has a lot of capacity. She spends time alert and engaged. She is not on any pain medication. She responds to let you know how she feels. But in other ways, she really needs to be here because of the difficulties she is having with respiration and her heart. She tires quickly and often. They are still pulling fluid out of her that has accumulated in her lungs making them weak. Her heart is not working to its optimal potential. It really is a waiting game and a race against time. It feels like active limbo. And in rooms all around her, other families are saying goodbye and some families are moving to step down rooms in other areas of the hospital. Critical is real life all around us.
I am just hoping that I am not missing my lessons from all of this. And I am praying that rest = healing for my Mom. I do not feel like I am doing nothing. I know why I am here. Every day or every two days, there is a new staff working on this floor with her. So, I am here to be her voice while she does not have one. Each new person has an opinion of my Mom from notes left on her chart and from conversations from the shift before. But they don't really get to know who she is until I have a conversation with them. Then things shift ever so slightly for the better. I sit during the day and I call at night. I know she would do the same thing for me.
And I am a believer in the power of prayer and the miracles of God. So, unlike the professionals that I talk to each day, I really believe that she can come through this and be restored. I know that she believes as well. Sometimes it's hard to stand firm. But I am doing it. I do get frustrated with some who don't share my point of view. But I have always been a "glass half full" kind of girl. I think I always will be. Because nothing and no one can take my joy. I am always going to see the bright side. Always! And I also know that we get to start fresh each and every day. So, here's to the hope that tomorrow brings!
I am just hoping that I am not missing my lessons from all of this. And I am praying that rest = healing for my Mom. I do not feel like I am doing nothing. I know why I am here. Every day or every two days, there is a new staff working on this floor with her. So, I am here to be her voice while she does not have one. Each new person has an opinion of my Mom from notes left on her chart and from conversations from the shift before. But they don't really get to know who she is until I have a conversation with them. Then things shift ever so slightly for the better. I sit during the day and I call at night. I know she would do the same thing for me.
And I am a believer in the power of prayer and the miracles of God. So, unlike the professionals that I talk to each day, I really believe that she can come through this and be restored. I know that she believes as well. Sometimes it's hard to stand firm. But I am doing it. I do get frustrated with some who don't share my point of view. But I have always been a "glass half full" kind of girl. I think I always will be. Because nothing and no one can take my joy. I am always going to see the bright side. Always! And I also know that we get to start fresh each and every day. So, here's to the hope that tomorrow brings!
CCU
My Mom got moved to the critical care unit a few days ago. The docs and nurses are really nice there. We are getting straight answers to anything that we ask. My brother came to town this weekend because we thought that my Mom was going to be having a heart procedure and he wanted to be here for that. It turns out that she may not be strong enough for the procedure. She's currently on a ventilator with lots of fluid still in her lungs. There are lots of prayers going up for her. I pray for her and I pray for me too. I pray to be able to know what the right decisions are. I pray to be able to hear her voice and carry out her wishes. It's a really tough spot to be in both in the hospital bed and sitting along side of it.
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